The last several weeks have been very hard. A lot of things have been happening in my personal life. I've been dealing with some health issues that I think it's pretty safe to say are left over from my former marriage and to top it all off, I recently discovered that my ex was, in fact, cheating on me while we were married. Lots of pain, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, have resulted from these recent events but it's made me stop to think. Pain is a good thing.
For one, it's a symptom of being alive. When a patient comes in after a trauma, if they aren't laying there, screaming in pain, it makes you worry. Pain is a localizing indicator of the location of the problem. It says to the physician - "look here, now!". Instinctively, it urges a person to protect themselves and avoid further injury. Secondly, if a person is screaming, it tells a doctor their lungs are patient and working to exchange oxygen and carbon dioxide. If they can tell you where it hurts, it means their brain is receiving signals from their body, the patient is still capable of interpreting these signals and then formulating words to express where they hurt. If their brain and lungs are working, then their heart is still beating, at least for the time being.
On the other hand, when it stops hurting, that's no good. Their body is going into a self-protective mode and it's shutting down. The injury is too much to handle and the body is telling the patient that it is no longer necessary to care what happens to the injured limb or organ. When pain suddenly and without reason stops, that's when we worry.
My pain tells me I'm still fighting. It also urges me to turn to the One who can provide healing. Only the Lord can be my Physician in this instance and I know in my heart that He's glad when I come to His throne. His healing is complete and deep and thorough. I'm grateful for this suffering because it tells me where the problems are.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Day 5 - I Am Not Alone
I'm not alone in this journey. The first two days were tough and though I know I've already made more mistakes than I can count, it's reassuring to know there are so many people along side me. Thank the Lord I don't have to care for people all by myself. Nurses, attending physicians, fellow residents, medical students, even orderlies have been helpful in these first few days. I've had a three day weekend and I'm NOT READY to go back tomorrow. . . fear, not fatigue, is the culprit. I'm just so anxious but, this too shall pass.
It's such a mindset change. I was talking to my half sister tonight about the anxiety people feel when they're in a different country and they encounter culture shock. That's is exactly what this is like! There's a foreign language ("Doctor, can you sign this?"). There's a different currency (TIME, TIME, TIME). There are new sights (People turning to me to find out what I think!) There are new sounds (My heart racing as I enter an exam room). It's all so very strange. What a new world! I can only pray that I will learn to exist and flourish here!
Lord, help me to be better tomorrow, in every way. Continue to guide me and shape me into the person you have for me to be. Let me not be a burden on those around me, especially my patients and those who have to teach me. Help me to be quick to listen and fast to learn. Thank you for these first days. I offer all I have, even the not so pretty things, back to you in praise. Amen.
It's such a mindset change. I was talking to my half sister tonight about the anxiety people feel when they're in a different country and they encounter culture shock. That's is exactly what this is like! There's a foreign language ("Doctor, can you sign this?"). There's a different currency (TIME, TIME, TIME). There are new sights (People turning to me to find out what I think!) There are new sounds (My heart racing as I enter an exam room). It's all so very strange. What a new world! I can only pray that I will learn to exist and flourish here!
Lord, help me to be better tomorrow, in every way. Continue to guide me and shape me into the person you have for me to be. Let me not be a burden on those around me, especially my patients and those who have to teach me. Help me to be quick to listen and fast to learn. Thank you for these first days. I offer all I have, even the not so pretty things, back to you in praise. Amen.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Day 1 - Day One of One Thousand Days
Well, actually, the countdown ticker on my Facebook page says one thousand and ninety five but one thousand is just easier to visualize (and more poetic - if we actually make it to day 1001, we'll address the issue then). I make no promises people but I'm going to attempt to blog almost every day of this journey. I feel called to take you all on this walk with me. There are just a few small points to address:
1. Vacations will not be blogged. I'll lump the dates and write about it AFTER.
2. At times there might not be anything much to say (or exhaustion will simply remove all directed thought from my head). I'll try to put SOMETHING. It might be short, it might be pointless, but it will be honest.
3. Sometimes I'll have to be really vague about situations (you know, patient privacy, HIPPA and all that). I'll do my best to protect the people involved but still try to paint a good picture of life as a resident for anyone out there who wants to read this. If I call a patient "S" - odds are their name doesn't begin with "S" - just to be clear.
4. Uhh, I think that's it. Let's get started!
Moses was in the desert for 14600 days. It took Noah 36500 days to build the ark. Nehemiah spent 52 days rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. I spent 2190 days as a medical student. God does things in His time. That much is apparent. If there is anything I learned in med school, it's that what I think is supposed to be 4 years, may turn out to be 6 and the things I imagine never happening could do so in the blink of an eye. Who knows what He has for me in the coming days but God is God. I step out my door with that in mind.
Here we go.
1. Vacations will not be blogged. I'll lump the dates and write about it AFTER.
2. At times there might not be anything much to say (or exhaustion will simply remove all directed thought from my head). I'll try to put SOMETHING. It might be short, it might be pointless, but it will be honest.
3. Sometimes I'll have to be really vague about situations (you know, patient privacy, HIPPA and all that). I'll do my best to protect the people involved but still try to paint a good picture of life as a resident for anyone out there who wants to read this. If I call a patient "S" - odds are their name doesn't begin with "S" - just to be clear.
4. Uhh, I think that's it. Let's get started!
Moses was in the desert for 14600 days. It took Noah 36500 days to build the ark. Nehemiah spent 52 days rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. I spent 2190 days as a medical student. God does things in His time. That much is apparent. If there is anything I learned in med school, it's that what I think is supposed to be 4 years, may turn out to be 6 and the things I imagine never happening could do so in the blink of an eye. Who knows what He has for me in the coming days but God is God. I step out my door with that in mind.
Here we go.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
A Million Little Lights
I was brushing my teeth, standing at my back door tonight, thinking about starting residency tomorrow. I was asking God to give me guidance about tomorrow, to protect me and show me what I must do. With the sound of my electric toothbrush whirring in my ears, I examined my reflection in the glass of the back door. I was post-shower; my hair was damp, my nose was shiny, and my cotton PJ's were draped softly against me. Suddenly, a small light appeared over my head and my eyes flashed to it in surprise. It took me a second to realize that it was a lightening bug outside the window. I remember as a kid waiting for these creatures to show up every summer. Little candles, floating effortlessly in the night. I chased them, caught them and put them in jars, let them sit on my hands and watched as they lit up the dark corners of summertime moments.
The summer I was 13, on a black and chilly night, I was sitting on my grandparents' porch in Illinois. My grandmother had just turned off the lights in the house to go to bed and I found myself sitting on the porch swing, staring out over the fields bushy with corn. The lights went out and everything in front of my eyes went charcoal. As my vision adjusted, I gripped the wooden edges of the swing. Slowly, charcoal went to gray and gray went to navy. I could make out the tips of the corn stalks and what appeared to be a haze floating just above the field. As the scene finally popped into focus, I saw millions of tiny lights. There were more lightening bugs out over that field than I had ever seen. It was amazing. Where the horizon merged with the sky, I couldn't tell the difference between the stars and the countless floating twinkles. I'll never forget that.
My thoughts turned back the scene in front of me tonight. There weren't nearly as many lightening bugs outside my back window tonight as there were on that night years ago, but it got me to thinking about what I had just asked of God. "Show me what I must do", I had just prayed and then the Lord's words came to me - let them see your light (Matthew 5:15). When I make mistakes, when I fall short, when I'm tired, when I'm frustrated, when I stand by a child's bedside, when I talk to parents, when I do the right thing, when I encourage, reassure, diagnose or just don't know - let them see your light. That's what He wants, that's why I'm here, and that's what I'll do.
The summer I was 13, on a black and chilly night, I was sitting on my grandparents' porch in Illinois. My grandmother had just turned off the lights in the house to go to bed and I found myself sitting on the porch swing, staring out over the fields bushy with corn. The lights went out and everything in front of my eyes went charcoal. As my vision adjusted, I gripped the wooden edges of the swing. Slowly, charcoal went to gray and gray went to navy. I could make out the tips of the corn stalks and what appeared to be a haze floating just above the field. As the scene finally popped into focus, I saw millions of tiny lights. There were more lightening bugs out over that field than I had ever seen. It was amazing. Where the horizon merged with the sky, I couldn't tell the difference between the stars and the countless floating twinkles. I'll never forget that.
My thoughts turned back the scene in front of me tonight. There weren't nearly as many lightening bugs outside my back window tonight as there were on that night years ago, but it got me to thinking about what I had just asked of God. "Show me what I must do", I had just prayed and then the Lord's words came to me - let them see your light (Matthew 5:15). When I make mistakes, when I fall short, when I'm tired, when I'm frustrated, when I stand by a child's bedside, when I talk to parents, when I do the right thing, when I encourage, reassure, diagnose or just don't know - let them see your light. That's what He wants, that's why I'm here, and that's what I'll do.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Learning From Others
I watched Invictus today. What a great movie and what a beautiful poem. I've never really been in to reading biographies or autobiographies but, after seeing the way Morgan Freeman played Nelson Mandela, I might have to pick up a copy of Long Walk to Freedom. I suppose reading about the lives of people who inspire me could be a good way to keep myself motivated in the years to come. What is the bible but the story of Christ and the biography of humanity? There is so much to learn from others. Scripture tells us that nothing is new under the sun. Everything I feel and do has been experienced by people who have gone before me. I think I'll set a goal of reading 10 biographies this year. I have no idea who else I should read about but I'm sure a list will develop.
Invictus
William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."
Invictus
William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Ever Been Afraid?
I'm so scared right now. As a child, I can remember being afraid of every new school year. Every summer I had nightmares about the upcoming year and every first day of the new grade, I went to school with wide eyes and a racing heart. I'm about to embark on a new journey in my life and frankly, I'm terrified. This is what I've worked for, sweat for, cried for and trusted God for. This is the culmination of a six year journey. This is "the next step" and yet, I feel like I'm starting at the beginning again. I feel like I felt the first day of medical school. There is so much unknown; even though I didn't change cities, change institutions, or even change apartments. I'm afraid. I know God is with me, but I'm afraid.
Ever wonder if David, having been anointed king and knowing God, was scared to rule a nation? I can just see it - the shepard being told he's going to be handed the power of life and death over a country. Or how about Mary? A simple young woman finds out she'll be the mother of the Son of God and doesn't bat an eyelash. I think not. In fact, in Luke 1:34 she says "How can this be?!" What about Nehemiah? God says "Go - rebuild my temple". I'm pretty sure he didn't say "No problem!". When God told Rahab "Hide these men", did she wonder if she would survive or if she was doing the right thing?
All through scripture people are asked to do things, sometimes big, sometimes small and I'm sure many of them were scared. I have to keep telling myself this because part of me wants to believe that my fear is a sign of weakness or lack of faith. It's hard to ignore that nagging voice that says "You can't do this. Look, you're afraid. That means you don't believe." I know who that is, I know the enemy wants me to give in to my fear and quit before I've even gotten started.
I don't know how I'm going to actually survive the next three years but I do know this - I'll be at work at 8 am on July 1st and no one but God can stop me.
Ever wonder if David, having been anointed king and knowing God, was scared to rule a nation? I can just see it - the shepard being told he's going to be handed the power of life and death over a country. Or how about Mary? A simple young woman finds out she'll be the mother of the Son of God and doesn't bat an eyelash. I think not. In fact, in Luke 1:34 she says "How can this be?!" What about Nehemiah? God says "Go - rebuild my temple". I'm pretty sure he didn't say "No problem!". When God told Rahab "Hide these men", did she wonder if she would survive or if she was doing the right thing?
All through scripture people are asked to do things, sometimes big, sometimes small and I'm sure many of them were scared. I have to keep telling myself this because part of me wants to believe that my fear is a sign of weakness or lack of faith. It's hard to ignore that nagging voice that says "You can't do this. Look, you're afraid. That means you don't believe." I know who that is, I know the enemy wants me to give in to my fear and quit before I've even gotten started.
I don't know how I'm going to actually survive the next three years but I do know this - I'll be at work at 8 am on July 1st and no one but God can stop me.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
4 am, Day After Graduation
I went to sleep for a while tonight but I have so many things going through my head that I thought I would give in, get up, and write about them.
Is my focus where it needs to be? I pray that I can keep looking at God in the months and years to come. I have a feeling that residency is going to be hard, in its own way, and I know I'm going to need to lean on the Lord more and more. This career can't become about me or what I can do. I pray that those around me can understand what I mean, why I feel so strongly about this, and what that can mean for them and their lives.
Strangely enough, with all this talk of faith, service, and my attempts at being bold in my beliefs, I'm worried about offending people. What does that say? Am I a coward? Am I overzealous? I'm not sure. Why would this concern crop up in a time when I'm just getting started? In talking with my pastor a few weeks ago, I've realized that honesty, the kind of honesty that God demands of me, will eventually offend someone. I guess I just don't want to push people away. I don't want to miss an opportunity to say, "Hey, the message is that we're all imperfect and flawed and yet God calls us ALL to His service. If you choose not to believe in Him or read your bible or dedicate your life to Him, He still loves you and I still love you. He HAS loved you, He DOES love you, and He WILL love you. If you don't accept that love then you miss the opportunity to share it with others. I want to share it with you but I'm also imperfect and I will eventually let you down somehow. Please don't judge God by my flaws as a person or a Christian."
Did I weird anyone out last night by thanking them too much? I think I got a little carried away at times. There were a lot of hugs and kisses given out and a lot of "I just can't say it enough. . . " but what can you do? When that's how you feel, people need to know it, right? There are so many people in my life who mean so much to me. I am surrounded and saturated by beautiful people and I want them to know that they are GOOD and I love them.
Residency. . . already starting to think about it. A doctor for only a few hours and already I'm thinking about the challenges I face. It's going to be hard and that's good but. . . scary.
Please God, protect my patients from suffering at my expense as I learn. Keep my friends and family sane as I become sleep deprived, stressed, and crazy. Protect me from myself on a daily basis. Bring past knowledge to the forefront of my mind as I attempt to accumulate more facts and figures. And finally, help me to remember what I've learned in the last six years about You and how You work.
There's still so much more in my head but I think I've emptied enough to maybe be able to sleep now :)
Is my focus where it needs to be? I pray that I can keep looking at God in the months and years to come. I have a feeling that residency is going to be hard, in its own way, and I know I'm going to need to lean on the Lord more and more. This career can't become about me or what I can do. I pray that those around me can understand what I mean, why I feel so strongly about this, and what that can mean for them and their lives.
Strangely enough, with all this talk of faith, service, and my attempts at being bold in my beliefs, I'm worried about offending people. What does that say? Am I a coward? Am I overzealous? I'm not sure. Why would this concern crop up in a time when I'm just getting started? In talking with my pastor a few weeks ago, I've realized that honesty, the kind of honesty that God demands of me, will eventually offend someone. I guess I just don't want to push people away. I don't want to miss an opportunity to say, "Hey, the message is that we're all imperfect and flawed and yet God calls us ALL to His service. If you choose not to believe in Him or read your bible or dedicate your life to Him, He still loves you and I still love you. He HAS loved you, He DOES love you, and He WILL love you. If you don't accept that love then you miss the opportunity to share it with others. I want to share it with you but I'm also imperfect and I will eventually let you down somehow. Please don't judge God by my flaws as a person or a Christian."
Did I weird anyone out last night by thanking them too much? I think I got a little carried away at times. There were a lot of hugs and kisses given out and a lot of "I just can't say it enough. . . " but what can you do? When that's how you feel, people need to know it, right? There are so many people in my life who mean so much to me. I am surrounded and saturated by beautiful people and I want them to know that they are GOOD and I love them.
Residency. . . already starting to think about it. A doctor for only a few hours and already I'm thinking about the challenges I face. It's going to be hard and that's good but. . . scary.
Please God, protect my patients from suffering at my expense as I learn. Keep my friends and family sane as I become sleep deprived, stressed, and crazy. Protect me from myself on a daily basis. Bring past knowledge to the forefront of my mind as I attempt to accumulate more facts and figures. And finally, help me to remember what I've learned in the last six years about You and how You work.
There's still so much more in my head but I think I've emptied enough to maybe be able to sleep now :)
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