I went to sleep for a while tonight but I have so many things going through my head that I thought I would give in, get up, and write about them.
Is my focus where it needs to be? I pray that I can keep looking at God in the months and years to come. I have a feeling that residency is going to be hard, in its own way, and I know I'm going to need to lean on the Lord more and more. This career can't become about me or what I can do. I pray that those around me can understand what I mean, why I feel so strongly about this, and what that can mean for them and their lives.
Strangely enough, with all this talk of faith, service, and my attempts at being bold in my beliefs, I'm worried about offending people. What does that say? Am I a coward? Am I overzealous? I'm not sure. Why would this concern crop up in a time when I'm just getting started? In talking with my pastor a few weeks ago, I've realized that honesty, the kind of honesty that God demands of me, will eventually offend someone. I guess I just don't want to push people away. I don't want to miss an opportunity to say, "Hey, the message is that we're all imperfect and flawed and yet God calls us ALL to His service. If you choose not to believe in Him or read your bible or dedicate your life to Him, He still loves you and I still love you. He HAS loved you, He DOES love you, and He WILL love you. If you don't accept that love then you miss the opportunity to share it with others. I want to share it with you but I'm also imperfect and I will eventually let you down somehow. Please don't judge God by my flaws as a person or a Christian."
Did I weird anyone out last night by thanking them too much? I think I got a little carried away at times. There were a lot of hugs and kisses given out and a lot of "I just can't say it enough. . . " but what can you do? When that's how you feel, people need to know it, right? There are so many people in my life who mean so much to me. I am surrounded and saturated by beautiful people and I want them to know that they are GOOD and I love them.
Residency. . . already starting to think about it. A doctor for only a few hours and already I'm thinking about the challenges I face. It's going to be hard and that's good but. . . scary.
Please God, protect my patients from suffering at my expense as I learn. Keep my friends and family sane as I become sleep deprived, stressed, and crazy. Protect me from myself on a daily basis. Bring past knowledge to the forefront of my mind as I attempt to accumulate more facts and figures. And finally, help me to remember what I've learned in the last six years about You and how You work.
There's still so much more in my head but I think I've emptied enough to maybe be able to sleep now :)
