A Child's View of the Crown

This is an old blog post I recently discovered in the Drafts folder.  Don't know why I didn't post it.  It's from 2010.  Here - an interesting observation:

April 2010:  At church yesterday I had the opportunity to sit with a little girl who means a lot to me. As we sang in the begining of service, I listened to her sweet voice and marveled at the innocence and purity of her love for Jesus. Later, she sat on my lap during the sermon. While the preacher spoke, she played with my hands, tracing the lines on my palms. At one point, she whispered in my ear, "There are letters and a star on your hands". I smiled and she showed me different letters by connecting the lines. She played with my jewlery. I wear a ring on my left thumb; it's a crown of thorns. I got this ring shortly after my divorce and I wear it to remind me no matter how much I think I might suffer in this life, there is One who suffered exponentially more for the benefit of all mankind. She asked me about the ring and I told her it is a crown of thorns like the one Jesus wore. Her eyes grew wide and she said, "His crown should have been made of gold, not thorns. He was still King, anyway."

The Journey Back

I turned around this morning and looked behind me. Not literally. Rather, I had a flash of clarity and, for a moment, I remembered what it was like to be me. A person who makes choices, not of obligation and not from a place of selfishness, but decides one way or another because my heart whispers "This way, not that way". How did I get here? I can say I've honestly practiced making decisions using all parts of me.

In the last several years, there have been many times when I've decided to do the illogical thing simply because it made no sense. Prior to my divorce, there were many times when I lived my life steered by logic and after my husband left, I wanted to see what it felt like to ignore my mind. The end result of those decisions left me breathless as well as confused and freed at the same time. There can be joy found in those decisions but it's a gamble. To ignore your mind and brush off common sense is to leap blindly without any inkling as to how high you've jumped, how hard you pushed off, or if you will ever land again. The landing can be tough. Sometimes you never touch the ground again. It's worth it in some circumstances, however you won't know if THIS is one of those circumstances until it's over.

I've made decisions based on that deep, raw part of me that wants something and wants it now. Whether it was a shirt in a store that I probably shouldn't buy, a nap when I had a serious deadline, or a kiss when I knew I wasn't ready for it - I did it anyway. Because I wanted to. How did those decisions leave me? Simply wanting more. Acknowledging that inner 3 year old who says "But it's just sitting there and I want it!" left me wanting another one or the next thing. The shirt is lovely but the next day there was another. The nap was refreshing but I felt less energized to reach my deadline. The kiss was blissful but only peaked my interest and left me with a desire for an even faster pulse. Instant gratification is not worth the results.

There have been times when I've done something simply because it was the wrong thing to do. Prior to the last several years, I imagined the "wrong thing" would always lead to ruin. Sometimes, doing the wrong thing can lead to a surprising change in perspective when we look back and realize we were wrong to begin with. This doesn't happen very often and, like doing something that doesn't make sense, you never know how this will turn out.

Many of us know that two "wrongs" don't make "right". That's true. I tested that one. However, I find one aspect of doing "wrong" very interesting. Is there such a thing as doing the wrong thing for the right reason?

Let's look at an example. In the ancient city of Jericho a woman, a prostitute no less, helped a band of the enemy sneak into her city. Was it wrong, or was it right? From the perspective of her fellow citizens this was completely wrong. Aiding the enemy violates many of the ancient rules of warfare. On this count, Rahab is guilty of treason. From the view of the Israelites, Rahab is also wrong. There's a virtual list of wrongs from their perspective. Prostitute - check. Member of the enemy force - check. Willingness to betray one's own people - check. It seems Rahab can do no right! But what about where God is concerned? She is humble and charitable. She's obedient to His call. She's a creature of His creation. In my mind, simply being His creation is the most "right" thing about Rahab.

So was helping a band of the enemy the wrong thing for the right reason? I don't think so. I don't think there is such a thing. If the reason is right, then the action is right. Of course, all of this is relative. Which side of the line do you stand on? Is something your trash or your treasure? Are you sitting in the enemy camp outside the city or are you lounging inside the gates?

We make our own decisions all the time. We decide when to act and when to stand by. We decide what to eat, where to live, and where we lay our head at night. We chose for or against obedience and we chose selfishness or we put off instant gratification for a greater prize in the end. WHATEVER we decide and HOWEVER we decide, we know this: God is at the end of all paths. And He waits for us to complete the journey.

BIG and small Wonders!

Well, I've done a poor job keeping this up! So much for a post every day. You know what they say "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars!" The goal of a post every day in residency is more like shooting for the far side of the galaxy and it looks like I landed in a black hole instead! Well, I know you forgive me... if anyone is out there! :)

What can I say about the last year? Frankly I'm speechless. My patients have taught me more in one year than I think I've learned in my entire short life. Each day is filled with joys and sorrows and lately there have been some AMAZING surprises around each corner. What a ride! God is SOOOO BIG! He's taken me to my knees and back to my feet almost on a daily basis. I'm learning the limits of the human body as I push myself harder and harder. I never would have thought I could be capable of intelligent thought at 3 am but I am!

I recently went on a very unexpected whirlwind trip to New York City. I'll never forget standing at the top of the Empire State Building at night. The whole city lay stretched out in front of me and for a moment I stood in awe of what man can do through God. It's God that gives us minds and hearts. It's God that inspired multitudes of men and women to create such a vast city of structures. It's God that daily fills the people of that city with ideas and desires, some of which impact the entire world! Who knows what will go on in that city tomorrow. Who knows what's happening down under all of those lights right now. Maybe someone is making a business decision that will change world finance. Maybe someone is curing cancer. Or, perhaps, maybe a child is dreaming of a future where they will change this skyline or build the next wonder of the modern world!

The view outside my window tonight is much simpler. There are a few small buildings behind the hospital and the highway lays beyond. I'm surrounded by sleeping children who are recovering from various illnesses. Columbia is no New York but there are still big things going on in the rooms around me. Families are banding together. Patients, nurses, and residents are facing their fears. I'm in awe of the miracles that take place in the faces of the kids I serve. In many ways those miracles are as big as the Chrysler Building or the angel in Rockefeller Plaza. Who knows what these kids will do. In many ways it's even more inspiring than the view I had several nights ago. We serve a God who is as everpresent in this hospital as He is in that city. Scripture tells us we cannot contain Him or measure His vastness. 2 Chronicles 6:18 "But will God really dwell on earth with men? The heavens, even the highest heavens, cannot contain you. How much less this temple I have built!"

Lord, I'm humbled by your strength and I'm greatful for your wonders. Thank you for this last year and thank you for the moments in life (like last weekend!) when we taste your goodness and get a sample of your love and generosity.