I turned around this morning and looked behind me. Not literally. Rather, I had a flash of clarity and, for a moment, I remembered what it was like to be me. A person who makes choices, not of obligation and not from a place of selfishness, but decides one way or another because my heart whispers "This way, not that way". How did I get here? I can say I've honestly practiced making decisions using all parts of me.
In the last several years, there have been many times when I've decided to do the illogical thing simply because it made no sense. Prior to my divorce, there were many times when I lived my life steered by logic and after my husband left, I wanted to see what it felt like to ignore my mind. The end result of those decisions left me breathless as well as confused and freed at the same time. There can be joy found in those decisions but it's a gamble. To ignore your mind and brush off common sense is to leap blindly without any inkling as to how high you've jumped, how hard you pushed off, or if you will ever land again. The landing can be tough. Sometimes you never touch the ground again. It's worth it in some circumstances, however you won't know if THIS is one of those circumstances until it's over.
I've made decisions based on that deep, raw part of me that wants something and wants it now. Whether it was a shirt in a store that I probably shouldn't buy, a nap when I had a serious deadline, or a kiss when I knew I wasn't ready for it - I did it anyway. Because I wanted to. How did those decisions leave me? Simply wanting more. Acknowledging that inner 3 year old who says "But it's just sitting there and I want it!" left me wanting another one or the next thing. The shirt is lovely but the next day there was another. The nap was refreshing but I felt less energized to reach my deadline. The kiss was blissful but only peaked my interest and left me with a desire for an even faster pulse. Instant gratification is not worth the results.
There have been times when I've done something simply because it was the wrong thing to do. Prior to the last several years, I imagined the "wrong thing" would always lead to ruin. Sometimes, doing the wrong thing can lead to a surprising change in perspective when we look back and realize we were wrong to begin with. This doesn't happen very often and, like doing something that doesn't make sense, you never know how this will turn out.
Many of us know that two "wrongs" don't make "right". That's true. I tested that one. However, I find one aspect of doing "wrong" very interesting. Is there such a thing as doing the wrong thing for the right reason?
Let's look at an example. In the ancient city of Jericho a woman, a prostitute no less, helped a band of the enemy sneak into her city. Was it wrong, or was it right? From the perspective of her fellow citizens this was completely wrong. Aiding the enemy violates many of the ancient rules of warfare. On this count, Rahab is guilty of treason. From the view of the Israelites, Rahab is also wrong. There's a virtual list of wrongs from their perspective. Prostitute - check. Member of the enemy force - check. Willingness to betray one's own people - check. It seems Rahab can do no right! But what about where God is concerned? She is humble and charitable. She's obedient to His call. She's a creature of His creation. In my mind, simply being His creation is the most "right" thing about Rahab.
So was helping a band of the enemy the wrong thing for the right reason? I don't think so. I don't think there is such a thing. If the reason is right, then the action is right. Of course, all of this is relative. Which side of the line do you stand on? Is something your trash or your treasure? Are you sitting in the enemy camp outside the city or are you lounging inside the gates?
We make our own decisions all the time. We decide when to act and when to stand by. We decide what to eat, where to live, and where we lay our head at night. We chose for or against obedience and we chose selfishness or we put off instant gratification for a greater prize in the end. WHATEVER we decide and HOWEVER we decide, we know this: God is at the end of all paths. And He waits for us to complete the journey.
