A Million Little Lights

I was brushing my teeth, standing at my back door tonight, thinking about starting residency tomorrow. I was asking God to give me guidance about tomorrow, to protect me and show me what I must do. With the sound of my electric toothbrush whirring in my ears, I examined my reflection in the glass of the back door. I was post-shower; my hair was damp, my nose was shiny, and my cotton PJ's were draped softly against me. Suddenly, a small light appeared over my head and my eyes flashed to it in surprise. It took me a second to realize that it was a lightening bug outside the window. I remember as a kid waiting for these creatures to show up every summer. Little candles, floating effortlessly in the night. I chased them, caught them and put them in jars, let them sit on my hands and watched as they lit up the dark corners of summertime moments.

The summer I was 13, on a black and chilly night, I was sitting on my grandparents' porch in Illinois. My grandmother had just turned off the lights in the house to go to bed and I found myself sitting on the porch swing, staring out over the fields bushy with corn. The lights went out and everything in front of my eyes went charcoal. As my vision adjusted, I gripped the wooden edges of the swing. Slowly, charcoal went to gray and gray went to navy. I could make out the tips of the corn stalks and what appeared to be a haze floating just above the field. As the scene finally popped into focus, I saw millions of tiny lights. There were more lightening bugs out over that field than I had ever seen. It was amazing. Where the horizon merged with the sky, I couldn't tell the difference between the stars and the countless floating twinkles. I'll never forget that.

My thoughts turned back the scene in front of me tonight. There weren't nearly as many lightening bugs outside my back window tonight as there were on that night years ago, but it got me to thinking about what I had just asked of God. "Show me what I must do", I had just prayed and then the Lord's words came to me - let them see your light (Matthew 5:15). When I make mistakes, when I fall short, when I'm tired, when I'm frustrated, when I stand by a child's bedside, when I talk to parents, when I do the right thing, when I encourage, reassure, diagnose or just don't know - let them see your light. That's what He wants, that's why I'm here, and that's what I'll do.

Learning From Others

I watched Invictus today. What a great movie and what a beautiful poem. I've never really been in to reading biographies or autobiographies but, after seeing the way Morgan Freeman played Nelson Mandela, I might have to pick up a copy of Long Walk to Freedom. I suppose reading about the lives of people who inspire me could be a good way to keep myself motivated in the years to come. What is the bible but the story of Christ and the biography of humanity? There is so much to learn from others. Scripture tells us that nothing is new under the sun. Everything I feel and do has been experienced by people who have gone before me. I think I'll set a goal of reading 10 biographies this year. I have no idea who else I should read about but I'm sure a list will develop.

Invictus
William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

Ever Been Afraid?

I'm so scared right now. As a child, I can remember being afraid of every new school year. Every summer I had nightmares about the upcoming year and every first day of the new grade, I went to school with wide eyes and a racing heart. I'm about to embark on a new journey in my life and frankly, I'm terrified. This is what I've worked for, sweat for, cried for and trusted God for. This is the culmination of a six year journey. This is "the next step" and yet, I feel like I'm starting at the beginning again. I feel like I felt the first day of medical school. There is so much unknown; even though I didn't change cities, change institutions, or even change apartments. I'm afraid. I know God is with me, but I'm afraid.

Ever wonder if David, having been anointed king and knowing God, was scared to rule a nation? I can just see it - the shepard being told he's going to be handed the power of life and death over a country. Or how about Mary? A simple young woman finds out she'll be the mother of the Son of God and doesn't bat an eyelash. I think not. In fact, in Luke 1:34 she says "How can this be?!" What about Nehemiah? God says "Go - rebuild my temple". I'm pretty sure he didn't say "No problem!". When God told Rahab "Hide these men", did she wonder if she would survive or if she was doing the right thing?

All through scripture people are asked to do things, sometimes big, sometimes small and I'm sure many of them were scared. I have to keep telling myself this because part of me wants to believe that my fear is a sign of weakness or lack of faith. It's hard to ignore that nagging voice that says "You can't do this. Look, you're afraid. That means you don't believe." I know who that is, I know the enemy wants me to give in to my fear and quit before I've even gotten started.

I don't know how I'm going to actually survive the next three years but I do know this - I'll be at work at 8 am on July 1st and no one but God can stop me.