The Journey Back

I turned around this morning and looked behind me. Not literally. Rather, I had a flash of clarity and, for a moment, I remembered what it was like to be me. A person who makes choices, not of obligation and not from a place of selfishness, but decides one way or another because my heart whispers "This way, not that way". How did I get here? I can say I've honestly practiced making decisions using all parts of me.

In the last several years, there have been many times when I've decided to do the illogical thing simply because it made no sense. Prior to my divorce, there were many times when I lived my life steered by logic and after my husband left, I wanted to see what it felt like to ignore my mind. The end result of those decisions left me breathless as well as confused and freed at the same time. There can be joy found in those decisions but it's a gamble. To ignore your mind and brush off common sense is to leap blindly without any inkling as to how high you've jumped, how hard you pushed off, or if you will ever land again. The landing can be tough. Sometimes you never touch the ground again. It's worth it in some circumstances, however you won't know if THIS is one of those circumstances until it's over.

I've made decisions based on that deep, raw part of me that wants something and wants it now. Whether it was a shirt in a store that I probably shouldn't buy, a nap when I had a serious deadline, or a kiss when I knew I wasn't ready for it - I did it anyway. Because I wanted to. How did those decisions leave me? Simply wanting more. Acknowledging that inner 3 year old who says "But it's just sitting there and I want it!" left me wanting another one or the next thing. The shirt is lovely but the next day there was another. The nap was refreshing but I felt less energized to reach my deadline. The kiss was blissful but only peaked my interest and left me with a desire for an even faster pulse. Instant gratification is not worth the results.

There have been times when I've done something simply because it was the wrong thing to do. Prior to the last several years, I imagined the "wrong thing" would always lead to ruin. Sometimes, doing the wrong thing can lead to a surprising change in perspective when we look back and realize we were wrong to begin with. This doesn't happen very often and, like doing something that doesn't make sense, you never know how this will turn out.

Many of us know that two "wrongs" don't make "right". That's true. I tested that one. However, I find one aspect of doing "wrong" very interesting. Is there such a thing as doing the wrong thing for the right reason?

Let's look at an example. In the ancient city of Jericho a woman, a prostitute no less, helped a band of the enemy sneak into her city. Was it wrong, or was it right? From the perspective of her fellow citizens this was completely wrong. Aiding the enemy violates many of the ancient rules of warfare. On this count, Rahab is guilty of treason. From the view of the Israelites, Rahab is also wrong. There's a virtual list of wrongs from their perspective. Prostitute - check. Member of the enemy force - check. Willingness to betray one's own people - check. It seems Rahab can do no right! But what about where God is concerned? She is humble and charitable. She's obedient to His call. She's a creature of His creation. In my mind, simply being His creation is the most "right" thing about Rahab.

So was helping a band of the enemy the wrong thing for the right reason? I don't think so. I don't think there is such a thing. If the reason is right, then the action is right. Of course, all of this is relative. Which side of the line do you stand on? Is something your trash or your treasure? Are you sitting in the enemy camp outside the city or are you lounging inside the gates?

We make our own decisions all the time. We decide when to act and when to stand by. We decide what to eat, where to live, and where we lay our head at night. We chose for or against obedience and we chose selfishness or we put off instant gratification for a greater prize in the end. WHATEVER we decide and HOWEVER we decide, we know this: God is at the end of all paths. And He waits for us to complete the journey.

BIG and small Wonders!

Well, I've done a poor job keeping this up! So much for a post every day. You know what they say "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars!" The goal of a post every day in residency is more like shooting for the far side of the galaxy and it looks like I landed in a black hole instead! Well, I know you forgive me... if anyone is out there! :)

What can I say about the last year? Frankly I'm speechless. My patients have taught me more in one year than I think I've learned in my entire short life. Each day is filled with joys and sorrows and lately there have been some AMAZING surprises around each corner. What a ride! God is SOOOO BIG! He's taken me to my knees and back to my feet almost on a daily basis. I'm learning the limits of the human body as I push myself harder and harder. I never would have thought I could be capable of intelligent thought at 3 am but I am!

I recently went on a very unexpected whirlwind trip to New York City. I'll never forget standing at the top of the Empire State Building at night. The whole city lay stretched out in front of me and for a moment I stood in awe of what man can do through God. It's God that gives us minds and hearts. It's God that inspired multitudes of men and women to create such a vast city of structures. It's God that daily fills the people of that city with ideas and desires, some of which impact the entire world! Who knows what will go on in that city tomorrow. Who knows what's happening down under all of those lights right now. Maybe someone is making a business decision that will change world finance. Maybe someone is curing cancer. Or, perhaps, maybe a child is dreaming of a future where they will change this skyline or build the next wonder of the modern world!

The view outside my window tonight is much simpler. There are a few small buildings behind the hospital and the highway lays beyond. I'm surrounded by sleeping children who are recovering from various illnesses. Columbia is no New York but there are still big things going on in the rooms around me. Families are banding together. Patients, nurses, and residents are facing their fears. I'm in awe of the miracles that take place in the faces of the kids I serve. In many ways those miracles are as big as the Chrysler Building or the angel in Rockefeller Plaza. Who knows what these kids will do. In many ways it's even more inspiring than the view I had several nights ago. We serve a God who is as everpresent in this hospital as He is in that city. Scripture tells us we cannot contain Him or measure His vastness. 2 Chronicles 6:18 "But will God really dwell on earth with men? The heavens, even the highest heavens, cannot contain you. How much less this temple I have built!"

Lord, I'm humbled by your strength and I'm greatful for your wonders. Thank you for this last year and thank you for the moments in life (like last weekend!) when we taste your goodness and get a sample of your love and generosity.

Pain is a good thing

The last several weeks have been very hard. A lot of things have been happening in my personal life. I've been dealing with some health issues that I think it's pretty safe to say are left over from my former marriage and to top it all off, I recently discovered that my ex was, in fact, cheating on me while we were married. Lots of pain, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, have resulted from these recent events but it's made me stop to think. Pain is a good thing.

For one, it's a symptom of being alive. When a patient comes in after a trauma, if they aren't laying there, screaming in pain, it makes you worry. Pain is a localizing indicator of the location of the problem. It says to the physician - "look here, now!". Instinctively, it urges a person to protect themselves and avoid further injury. Secondly, if a person is screaming, it tells a doctor their lungs are patient and working to exchange oxygen and carbon dioxide. If they can tell you where it hurts, it means their brain is receiving signals from their body, the patient is still capable of interpreting these signals and then formulating words to express where they hurt. If their brain and lungs are working, then their heart is still beating, at least for the time being.

On the other hand, when it stops hurting, that's no good. Their body is going into a self-protective mode and it's shutting down. The injury is too much to handle and the body is telling the patient that it is no longer necessary to care what happens to the injured limb or organ. When pain suddenly and without reason stops, that's when we worry.

My pain tells me I'm still fighting. It also urges me to turn to the One who can provide healing. Only the Lord can be my Physician in this instance and I know in my heart that He's glad when I come to His throne. His healing is complete and deep and thorough. I'm grateful for this suffering because it tells me where the problems are.

Day 5 - I Am Not Alone

I'm not alone in this journey. The first two days were tough and though I know I've already made more mistakes than I can count, it's reassuring to know there are so many people along side me. Thank the Lord I don't have to care for people all by myself. Nurses, attending physicians, fellow residents, medical students, even orderlies have been helpful in these first few days. I've had a three day weekend and I'm NOT READY to go back tomorrow. . . fear, not fatigue, is the culprit. I'm just so anxious but, this too shall pass.

It's such a mindset change. I was talking to my half sister tonight about the anxiety people feel when they're in a different country and they encounter culture shock. That's is exactly what this is like! There's a foreign language ("Doctor, can you sign this?"). There's a different currency (TIME, TIME, TIME). There are new sights (People turning to me to find out what I think!) There are new sounds (My heart racing as I enter an exam room). It's all so very strange. What a new world! I can only pray that I will learn to exist and flourish here!

Lord, help me to be better tomorrow, in every way. Continue to guide me and shape me into the person you have for me to be. Let me not be a burden on those around me, especially my patients and those who have to teach me. Help me to be quick to listen and fast to learn. Thank you for these first days. I offer all I have, even the not so pretty things, back to you in praise. Amen.

Day 1 - Day One of One Thousand Days

Well, actually, the countdown ticker on my Facebook page says one thousand and ninety five but one thousand is just easier to visualize (and more poetic - if we actually make it to day 1001, we'll address the issue then). I make no promises people but I'm going to attempt to blog almost every day of this journey. I feel called to take you all on this walk with me. There are just a few small points to address:

1. Vacations will not be blogged. I'll lump the dates and write about it AFTER.
2. At times there might not be anything much to say (or exhaustion will simply remove all directed thought from my head). I'll try to put SOMETHING. It might be short, it might be pointless, but it will be honest.
3. Sometimes I'll have to be really vague about situations (you know, patient privacy, HIPPA and all that). I'll do my best to protect the people involved but still try to paint a good picture of life as a resident for anyone out there who wants to read this. If I call a patient "S" - odds are their name doesn't begin with "S" - just to be clear.
4. Uhh, I think that's it. Let's get started!

Moses was in the desert for 14600 days. It took Noah 36500 days to build the ark. Nehemiah spent 52 days rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. I spent 2190 days as a medical student. God does things in His time. That much is apparent. If there is anything I learned in med school, it's that what I think is supposed to be 4 years, may turn out to be 6 and the things I imagine never happening could do so in the blink of an eye. Who knows what He has for me in the coming days but God is God. I step out my door with that in mind.

Here we go.

A Million Little Lights

I was brushing my teeth, standing at my back door tonight, thinking about starting residency tomorrow. I was asking God to give me guidance about tomorrow, to protect me and show me what I must do. With the sound of my electric toothbrush whirring in my ears, I examined my reflection in the glass of the back door. I was post-shower; my hair was damp, my nose was shiny, and my cotton PJ's were draped softly against me. Suddenly, a small light appeared over my head and my eyes flashed to it in surprise. It took me a second to realize that it was a lightening bug outside the window. I remember as a kid waiting for these creatures to show up every summer. Little candles, floating effortlessly in the night. I chased them, caught them and put them in jars, let them sit on my hands and watched as they lit up the dark corners of summertime moments.

The summer I was 13, on a black and chilly night, I was sitting on my grandparents' porch in Illinois. My grandmother had just turned off the lights in the house to go to bed and I found myself sitting on the porch swing, staring out over the fields bushy with corn. The lights went out and everything in front of my eyes went charcoal. As my vision adjusted, I gripped the wooden edges of the swing. Slowly, charcoal went to gray and gray went to navy. I could make out the tips of the corn stalks and what appeared to be a haze floating just above the field. As the scene finally popped into focus, I saw millions of tiny lights. There were more lightening bugs out over that field than I had ever seen. It was amazing. Where the horizon merged with the sky, I couldn't tell the difference between the stars and the countless floating twinkles. I'll never forget that.

My thoughts turned back the scene in front of me tonight. There weren't nearly as many lightening bugs outside my back window tonight as there were on that night years ago, but it got me to thinking about what I had just asked of God. "Show me what I must do", I had just prayed and then the Lord's words came to me - let them see your light (Matthew 5:15). When I make mistakes, when I fall short, when I'm tired, when I'm frustrated, when I stand by a child's bedside, when I talk to parents, when I do the right thing, when I encourage, reassure, diagnose or just don't know - let them see your light. That's what He wants, that's why I'm here, and that's what I'll do.

Learning From Others

I watched Invictus today. What a great movie and what a beautiful poem. I've never really been in to reading biographies or autobiographies but, after seeing the way Morgan Freeman played Nelson Mandela, I might have to pick up a copy of Long Walk to Freedom. I suppose reading about the lives of people who inspire me could be a good way to keep myself motivated in the years to come. What is the bible but the story of Christ and the biography of humanity? There is so much to learn from others. Scripture tells us that nothing is new under the sun. Everything I feel and do has been experienced by people who have gone before me. I think I'll set a goal of reading 10 biographies this year. I have no idea who else I should read about but I'm sure a list will develop.

Invictus
William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."