A Million Little Lights

I was brushing my teeth, standing at my back door tonight, thinking about starting residency tomorrow. I was asking God to give me guidance about tomorrow, to protect me and show me what I must do. With the sound of my electric toothbrush whirring in my ears, I examined my reflection in the glass of the back door. I was post-shower; my hair was damp, my nose was shiny, and my cotton PJ's were draped softly against me. Suddenly, a small light appeared over my head and my eyes flashed to it in surprise. It took me a second to realize that it was a lightening bug outside the window. I remember as a kid waiting for these creatures to show up every summer. Little candles, floating effortlessly in the night. I chased them, caught them and put them in jars, let them sit on my hands and watched as they lit up the dark corners of summertime moments.

The summer I was 13, on a black and chilly night, I was sitting on my grandparents' porch in Illinois. My grandmother had just turned off the lights in the house to go to bed and I found myself sitting on the porch swing, staring out over the fields bushy with corn. The lights went out and everything in front of my eyes went charcoal. As my vision adjusted, I gripped the wooden edges of the swing. Slowly, charcoal went to gray and gray went to navy. I could make out the tips of the corn stalks and what appeared to be a haze floating just above the field. As the scene finally popped into focus, I saw millions of tiny lights. There were more lightening bugs out over that field than I had ever seen. It was amazing. Where the horizon merged with the sky, I couldn't tell the difference between the stars and the countless floating twinkles. I'll never forget that.

My thoughts turned back the scene in front of me tonight. There weren't nearly as many lightening bugs outside my back window tonight as there were on that night years ago, but it got me to thinking about what I had just asked of God. "Show me what I must do", I had just prayed and then the Lord's words came to me - let them see your light (Matthew 5:15). When I make mistakes, when I fall short, when I'm tired, when I'm frustrated, when I stand by a child's bedside, when I talk to parents, when I do the right thing, when I encourage, reassure, diagnose or just don't know - let them see your light. That's what He wants, that's why I'm here, and that's what I'll do.

Learning From Others

I watched Invictus today. What a great movie and what a beautiful poem. I've never really been in to reading biographies or autobiographies but, after seeing the way Morgan Freeman played Nelson Mandela, I might have to pick up a copy of Long Walk to Freedom. I suppose reading about the lives of people who inspire me could be a good way to keep myself motivated in the years to come. What is the bible but the story of Christ and the biography of humanity? There is so much to learn from others. Scripture tells us that nothing is new under the sun. Everything I feel and do has been experienced by people who have gone before me. I think I'll set a goal of reading 10 biographies this year. I have no idea who else I should read about but I'm sure a list will develop.

Invictus
William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

Ever Been Afraid?

I'm so scared right now. As a child, I can remember being afraid of every new school year. Every summer I had nightmares about the upcoming year and every first day of the new grade, I went to school with wide eyes and a racing heart. I'm about to embark on a new journey in my life and frankly, I'm terrified. This is what I've worked for, sweat for, cried for and trusted God for. This is the culmination of a six year journey. This is "the next step" and yet, I feel like I'm starting at the beginning again. I feel like I felt the first day of medical school. There is so much unknown; even though I didn't change cities, change institutions, or even change apartments. I'm afraid. I know God is with me, but I'm afraid.

Ever wonder if David, having been anointed king and knowing God, was scared to rule a nation? I can just see it - the shepard being told he's going to be handed the power of life and death over a country. Or how about Mary? A simple young woman finds out she'll be the mother of the Son of God and doesn't bat an eyelash. I think not. In fact, in Luke 1:34 she says "How can this be?!" What about Nehemiah? God says "Go - rebuild my temple". I'm pretty sure he didn't say "No problem!". When God told Rahab "Hide these men", did she wonder if she would survive or if she was doing the right thing?

All through scripture people are asked to do things, sometimes big, sometimes small and I'm sure many of them were scared. I have to keep telling myself this because part of me wants to believe that my fear is a sign of weakness or lack of faith. It's hard to ignore that nagging voice that says "You can't do this. Look, you're afraid. That means you don't believe." I know who that is, I know the enemy wants me to give in to my fear and quit before I've even gotten started.

I don't know how I'm going to actually survive the next three years but I do know this - I'll be at work at 8 am on July 1st and no one but God can stop me.

4 am, Day After Graduation

I went to sleep for a while tonight but I have so many things going through my head that I thought I would give in, get up, and write about them.

Is my focus where it needs to be? I pray that I can keep looking at God in the months and years to come. I have a feeling that residency is going to be hard, in its own way, and I know I'm going to need to lean on the Lord more and more. This career can't become about me or what I can do. I pray that those around me can understand what I mean, why I feel so strongly about this, and what that can mean for them and their lives.

Strangely enough, with all this talk of faith, service, and my attempts at being bold in my beliefs, I'm worried about offending people. What does that say? Am I a coward? Am I overzealous? I'm not sure. Why would this concern crop up in a time when I'm just getting started? In talking with my pastor a few weeks ago, I've realized that honesty, the kind of honesty that God demands of me, will eventually offend someone. I guess I just don't want to push people away. I don't want to miss an opportunity to say, "Hey, the message is that we're all imperfect and flawed and yet God calls us ALL to His service. If you choose not to believe in Him or read your bible or dedicate your life to Him, He still loves you and I still love you. He HAS loved you, He DOES love you, and He WILL love you. If you don't accept that love then you miss the opportunity to share it with others. I want to share it with you but I'm also imperfect and I will eventually let you down somehow. Please don't judge God by my flaws as a person or a Christian."

Did I weird anyone out last night by thanking them too much? I think I got a little carried away at times. There were a lot of hugs and kisses given out and a lot of "I just can't say it enough. . . " but what can you do? When that's how you feel, people need to know it, right? There are so many people in my life who mean so much to me. I am surrounded and saturated by beautiful people and I want them to know that they are GOOD and I love them.

Residency. . . already starting to think about it. A doctor for only a few hours and already I'm thinking about the challenges I face. It's going to be hard and that's good but. . . scary.

Please God, protect my patients from suffering at my expense as I learn. Keep my friends and family sane as I become sleep deprived, stressed, and crazy. Protect me from myself on a daily basis. Bring past knowledge to the forefront of my mind as I attempt to accumulate more facts and figures. And finally, help me to remember what I've learned in the last six years about You and how You work.

There's still so much more in my head but I think I've emptied enough to maybe be able to sleep now :)

Flurries

Today is. . . unfortunate. That is, it's unfortunate that today even has to mean anything to me. Will I always look upon this day and wish that a simple date meant nothing, that perhaps I'd like to be able to wipe a day off of the calendar completely? If January could go from the 7th to the 9th, I'd be grateful. The snow is falling, along with my mood, and I can't help but wonder at the effect today is having. This day last year wasn't as hard and you'd think that a year later would be like nothing. I guess it reminds me that shock and pain become comfortable, close to you, so close that you forget they're there until they strip away and all that is left is a raw, pale and un-sunned portion of yourself that you forgot existed.

When I pulled into the library this morning, I watched a snowflake land on my windshield. "God made you, individual and unique, like a flake of snow He made just for me. I vow to treasure you as the gift that you are." I remember every word of my vows, especially the "for better or worse" portion. Why, when worse came, did he decide that didn't mean anything? I wonder if I'll ever be able to make that promise to someone else. That's not important, though, not today.

The snowflake melted in about 5 seconds. To God, our lives must seem that short. We're one flake of snow in a snowstorm that lasts for eternity but we're not inconspicuous in the big picture of His grand plan. He knows every flake down to its weight, the number of tips in its pattern, how it fell and where it landed. He knows. He knows AND cares. We can't get lost from His sight. We aren't forgotten. No matter how dark or cold or deep it gets in this life, that snow falling from heaven is still pure and white, washed clean from a sacrifice made several thousand years ago.

I'm not feeling washed today. Cold, yes, I feel cold and, admittedly, a little lost. I hate divorce.

An Early Morning

This morning began early, really early. I continue to be amazed that God is allowing me to actually DO what my heart desires and yearns to do. Medicine continues to surprise me and my own reactions to the things that happen around me are no exception.

I walked in on a code blue yesterday in the operating room and I was taken aback by the fact that I didn't panic, I didn't feel emotionally distraught, I simply stood there amazed. I watched as they worked to save a man's life and I was intrigued by what the doctors and nurses were doing. I wanted to learn from the experience, store it away in case I ever found myself in a similar situation. A surgeon I've been following did an emergency procedure to secure an airway and I felt respect for his steady hand and his skill. This morning, the man is alive. His prognosis isn't good but I know who's really in charge and the end game is up to Him.

It is beginning to occur to me that medical school, as a process, works. Several years ago in that code situation I would have found myself in a panic. My mind is starting to see things in a new light and part of me wonders if that means that I care less about the emotional nature of certain situations. Is this a self-preserving process, this almost mechanical detachment or retreat, at moments, into another part of the brain? I'm not sure but for some reason I think I'm starting to feel a small taste of confidence and oddly, with it comes an even stronger desire to lean more on the great Physician. I find myself in awe of God and His ability to train and equip a person for their calling. He promises that He will complete the good works that He begins in each of us and I'm excited to continually be molded and shaped into what He has for me to become.

He Comes

He comes and I will wait
There is no minute, no hour
He comes and is not late
All time is in His power

He comes and I am still
His breath upon my face
He comes and brings His will
My pulse begins to race

He comes and I am weak
My lips can taste His gift
He comes, my heart to seek
My will begins to shift

He comes, I feel the heat
He fills me with His light
He comes, I am complete
My Beloved in the night