Thoughts on Paul

God doesn't always wait for us to change. Just like Paul, sometimes he splits the ground, blinds us, and forces us to look at our own souls in a way that shakes us to the core. I've been thinking about Paul lately. He was traveling the road to Damascus. He was one of the biggest persecutors of Christians of his time. He had spent his life thus far seeking the blood of the followers of Christ and trying to punch holes in the gospel. It makes me wonder why, if God knew He would eventually turn Paul's heart towards Him, why didn't He do it in the beginning of Paul's life? Why didn't He take young Paul and impact him early? The only thing I can come up with is that He wanted Paul's testimony to be BIG. An early personal encounter with God would have given Paul more years of closeness with God but it wouldn't have allowed one of the greatest testimonies of all time to be born. Paul HAD to spend that time in the dark so that when the light hit him, he would be blinded by the truth of it and those around him would know that something amazing had happened.

There is a darkness inside all of us. We've all traveled the road to Damascus. We've all spent time sitting on the mountaintop, listening as that seductive voice says "I'll give you all that you see and more." Many of us have chosen to look inside and see what God would have us change rather than look at the riches below that comprise the empty promises of the enemy. Some chose to believe the lie that this world can give us all that we want and more. I encourage you to pray today for those who are basking in a false sense of wealth. Those who chose to think that just because they are "good" or "try" that means that they have surrendered. Like Paul, we all need to be shaken, blinded, and shown the truth. It's not always pleasant but in the end we wind up with a testimony that will move the masses towards God. That's the point, right?

A New Pandemic: Be Aware and DON'T Wash Your Hands

There's a pandemic sweeping the globe and the media doesn't seem to be talking about it too much. I'm actually surprised given the fact that US media can smell blood a thousand miles away and they will do anything to make a mountain out of a mole hill - but I suppose they also make mole hills out of mountains. . .

Apparently this infection has a latent phase of months to years and, at this point, there's no way to test for exposure. No one is sure how it's transmitted. Experts aren't sure if it spreads through the air or via direct physical contact. Some suggest that perhaps even SEEING a case of this disease may be enough to start the physiologic processes that predispose an individual to developing a full blown infection. No age is spared. No socioeconomic class is immune. There is no vaccine. No one is even certain that having the infection will protect you from further outbreaks.

And the kicker is, this isn't new. This disease has been around since the beginning of time. It's probably wiped out more people than HIV or cancer. It affects every organ system in the body and it particularly targets the central nervous system. Signs and symptoms include personality change, mania, antisocial behavior, increased basal body temperature, vasodilation, blood loss, insomnia, diaphporesis, tachypnia, tachycardia, shock, coma, and in some cases, even death. Each person may present differently and sometimes diagnosis is difficult to make. Post infectious states for some survivors are characterized by weight loss, depression, anxiety, somnolence, more insomnia, and feelings of hopelessness while others may experience an improvement in their productivity, increased blood flow to core organ systems, and increased basal metabolic functioning.

It's hard to say what will happen as this infection wreaks havoc on the world. It even reared it's head in Atlanta yesterday and that's not the first time the US has seen an outbreak. A couple hundred years ago it killed thousands upon thousands of Americans. Don't get me wrong, I don't think this disease is a bad thing at all. Would I cure it if I knew how? No, and trust me, some people have tried. It takes a hold of a person and either forces them to give up or become more than they ever thought possible. You might have even heard of it. It's called Freedom.

Untitled

I asked an Echo "Where is your voice?"
And it replied to me in same
I said to the Echo "I am Erica"
And found we shared a name.

I sought out the Echo "Where are you from?"
And it looked for for my source too
I sat in silence with the Echo
And found myself with You.

M&Ms. . . and bleeding?

Have you ever tried to really savor the flavor of something but each time you do, you find yourself just crunching right through it and each time you swallow, you curse yourself again for not being able to just let it melt in your mouth? I'm eating Peanut M & Ms right now and for the last 6 or 7 pieces, I just can't seem to let it sit in my mouth until I get to the peanut. I only have two left (a Fun-Sized pack) and I really want to get to the peanut on at least one of these darn things before they're all gone! Why? So I can taste all three layers. . . candy coating, chocolate, peanut AND experience all of the individual stages that come with that. You know, candy coating and chocolate, chocolate and peanut, chocolate, peanut, candy coating. There are a lot of things in life like that. All those stages of a job - being the new person, being the middle man on the totem pole, being the boss. Now, some people just want to be the boss and some people are happy being the new guy all the time which is why they never stay with a job long enough to know their co-workers middle name. I'm working on savoring each stage in life, each experience, painful or pleasurable. It's all a part of humanity I guess. Sometimes I really hate being human. It's hard to want all of those good things in life and know, deep down, that you dread the difficult things. And at the same time, I've grown to kind of enjoy the difficult and uncomfortable, when it comes. I DON'T go looking for it, OH NO. I'd be perfectly happy if I never had to experience loss, sickness, loneliness, anger, brokenness, fear. But it's there.

I wonder if Jesus, in His perfect human existence, ever cut his hand while working at his carpentry and sat there saying to himself "This is pain. Remember this." I mean, we all know that He eventually suffered the cross and we can't even fathom that amount of spiritual, emotional, and physical pain. We live a reflection of the cross in our own suffering but we'll never know what His experience was like and, no doubt, He knew that. So, when He stubbed His toe or felt exhaustion, did He stop and think "This is what they feel. This is frustration, impatience, clumsiness." Maybe, maybe not. But we do know that He had the patience and fortitude to live His life knowing what was coming. Maybe we don't know our futures because we wouldn't have the patience to wait for the good things and the strength to stand firm while waiting for the storm.

Hmm. . . there's that peanut. AND it has that paper thin sheath around it that peanuts sometimes have. I didn't expect that.

What IS beautiful?

Loaded in that question are many interpretations. First, one could ask "What does beautiful mean?" There is also "What makes something beautiful?" or "What things are beautiful?" According to the dictionary, as a adjective, beautiful is:

1. having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2. excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.
3. wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

Everyone wonders, at some point or another, about their own definition of beauty. It seems society has standards for beauty that change by the moment. I prefer to ignore those as it seems silly to me that standards so fleeting are so highly valued by the masses. That does not mean that there aren't SOME aspects of current pop culture that I find highly attractive to say the least. I'm certain I'm not alone and that most men and women could say the same. In fact, a female friend and I were having a conversation about admiration the other day. It's unavoidable that we notice those things, people, or places that give us pleasure to think about, hear, taste, smell, feel, or look at. A soft blanket, a burning candle, the woodsy taste of chamomile tea, Debussy, that warm feeling in the morning when your sheets are a PART of your skin and your eyelids are rose petals that seem to flutter on their own. These things, and so much more, are beautiful to me.

Of course, we all question our own beauty too. Now I say this, not because I feel that we are all inherently vain but, because I think we all desire to give pleasure or satisfaction; to be excellent of our own kind; to be very pleasing. It's human nature to want to be such for others. To be considered an "excellent specimen" of human being is an honor that people strive for all of their lives. Not just physically, of course, but intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. All of those things draw people in whether they realize it or not.

If it was all about seeing, then the occipital lobe of our brain would be bigger and centrally located. Sight is almost completely compartmentalized from the other senses. You can't smell or taste, either in their entirety, one without the other. You can't experience sound as God meant for you to without being able to experience vibration on some minute, tactile level. That information in itself tells me a little bit about what God values as important, and, in a sense, what WE should value. Still, we are creatures of habit and we don't exactly walk around tasting and touching each other. . .

Relief

A bird has decided to live on top of my car. Every morning when I go out to my car, a Robbin is perched on the hood, the door, the trunk. Why a bird decided to spend it's mornings perched on my car, I don't know. I can't answer that question any more than I actually get into the head of my fellow man, as tempting as that sounds and as much as I would really LOVE to. I think it would be great to sit inside someone else's psyche for a few minuets and find out if my mind and their mind work anything alike. Do other people feel giddy about their life's calling? Do others imagine that they are a superhero when they get stuck in traffic or wonder when they're paused at a stoplight what conversations take place at this intersection every day when other cars are stopped here? Who knows?

Now that I've started to FEEL things again, I'm surprised by the emotions that I find myself experiencing about certain situations that probably would have left me numb before. Annoyance at a six hour surgery yesterday that barely allowed me, or the other student, the opportunity to see anything or LEARN anything, for that matter. Contentment with being by myself for the remainder of the day yesterday. And, dare I say it, optimism, for the future. I'm also afraid of some of the other emotions I've been feeling lately. Especially certain times when I allow myself to dream, briefly, about the possibilities that await each new day. I've been asking God to be my filter for some of these "scary" feelings and I pray desperately that if I start to head in a direction that is self serving or outside of His will that He will change how I feel. I trust that He can do that. I mean, if God can turn the hearts of man towards Himself, then He can certainly change the heart of one woman, one who's willing, no less, towards His will and make His desires for her life clear. And then I feel relief, which is another one I haven't felt in forever.

Doubt

So I watched the movie Doubt today and I must say, it was really thought provoking. I was left with a sense of amazement at my own preconceived notions of the world, people, and how things fall together. I was on the phone with a friend a few days ago. I trust this friend and he has amazing foresight. At one point in the conversation he said "Don't be surprised if. . . oh, I won't even go there" and then he trailed off. Now, the subject matter of this conversation was sensitive to say the least and I could have been left filling in the rest of that sentence with whatever my muddled mind would like to hear. "Don't be surprised if you win the lottery. Don't be surprised if the sky falls. Don't be surprised if you find out that you really do love this life, after all." But instead, I'm left with a blank. I didn't ask him to finish his sentence and frankly, I don't care what he would have put in that space between the dots. It was interesting to think about what I would put there if I wanted to.

Another thing, now that I've started this blog, I've started to think about just how much of my half eaten soul I want to bear here. I've decided to try and put very few filters on and I know that may come at a price. Maybe someone will read something they don't agree with and decide to be mad at me. Maybe I'll write something that I wish I hadn't. Either way, it's safer this way than a dozen conversations. The spoken word is immortal. People remember what you say and they rarely forget, especially if it's something that causes them discomfort. The written word can be erased. Maybe I write something and a few days later decide that I shouldn't have. I can just go back and erase it like it never happened. Maybe you read it, maybe you didn't. If you did, there may not be any evidence later that the sentence you didn't like read as such, it really won't matter and we can all just be in denial. I've almost decided that blogging has come about because we don't write each other long, drawn out letters anymore. Our lives are filled with text, cell phones, and quick e-mails. People need the blank stare of a page that doesn't talk back to them. Our voices are different in the written form. There are less immediate filters, more freedom, less permanence. We can write a letter to many people at one time, share our souls, and still have time for Facebook. I think I like this, I say to myself. I think I'll keep it. Maybe I'll finally get around to telling the world that I. . .