Ever Been Afraid?

I'm so scared right now. As a child, I can remember being afraid of every new school year. Every summer I had nightmares about the upcoming year and every first day of the new grade, I went to school with wide eyes and a racing heart. I'm about to embark on a new journey in my life and frankly, I'm terrified. This is what I've worked for, sweat for, cried for and trusted God for. This is the culmination of a six year journey. This is "the next step" and yet, I feel like I'm starting at the beginning again. I feel like I felt the first day of medical school. There is so much unknown; even though I didn't change cities, change institutions, or even change apartments. I'm afraid. I know God is with me, but I'm afraid.

Ever wonder if David, having been anointed king and knowing God, was scared to rule a nation? I can just see it - the shepard being told he's going to be handed the power of life and death over a country. Or how about Mary? A simple young woman finds out she'll be the mother of the Son of God and doesn't bat an eyelash. I think not. In fact, in Luke 1:34 she says "How can this be?!" What about Nehemiah? God says "Go - rebuild my temple". I'm pretty sure he didn't say "No problem!". When God told Rahab "Hide these men", did she wonder if she would survive or if she was doing the right thing?

All through scripture people are asked to do things, sometimes big, sometimes small and I'm sure many of them were scared. I have to keep telling myself this because part of me wants to believe that my fear is a sign of weakness or lack of faith. It's hard to ignore that nagging voice that says "You can't do this. Look, you're afraid. That means you don't believe." I know who that is, I know the enemy wants me to give in to my fear and quit before I've even gotten started.

I don't know how I'm going to actually survive the next three years but I do know this - I'll be at work at 8 am on July 1st and no one but God can stop me.

4 am, Day After Graduation

I went to sleep for a while tonight but I have so many things going through my head that I thought I would give in, get up, and write about them.

Is my focus where it needs to be? I pray that I can keep looking at God in the months and years to come. I have a feeling that residency is going to be hard, in its own way, and I know I'm going to need to lean on the Lord more and more. This career can't become about me or what I can do. I pray that those around me can understand what I mean, why I feel so strongly about this, and what that can mean for them and their lives.

Strangely enough, with all this talk of faith, service, and my attempts at being bold in my beliefs, I'm worried about offending people. What does that say? Am I a coward? Am I overzealous? I'm not sure. Why would this concern crop up in a time when I'm just getting started? In talking with my pastor a few weeks ago, I've realized that honesty, the kind of honesty that God demands of me, will eventually offend someone. I guess I just don't want to push people away. I don't want to miss an opportunity to say, "Hey, the message is that we're all imperfect and flawed and yet God calls us ALL to His service. If you choose not to believe in Him or read your bible or dedicate your life to Him, He still loves you and I still love you. He HAS loved you, He DOES love you, and He WILL love you. If you don't accept that love then you miss the opportunity to share it with others. I want to share it with you but I'm also imperfect and I will eventually let you down somehow. Please don't judge God by my flaws as a person or a Christian."

Did I weird anyone out last night by thanking them too much? I think I got a little carried away at times. There were a lot of hugs and kisses given out and a lot of "I just can't say it enough. . . " but what can you do? When that's how you feel, people need to know it, right? There are so many people in my life who mean so much to me. I am surrounded and saturated by beautiful people and I want them to know that they are GOOD and I love them.

Residency. . . already starting to think about it. A doctor for only a few hours and already I'm thinking about the challenges I face. It's going to be hard and that's good but. . . scary.

Please God, protect my patients from suffering at my expense as I learn. Keep my friends and family sane as I become sleep deprived, stressed, and crazy. Protect me from myself on a daily basis. Bring past knowledge to the forefront of my mind as I attempt to accumulate more facts and figures. And finally, help me to remember what I've learned in the last six years about You and how You work.

There's still so much more in my head but I think I've emptied enough to maybe be able to sleep now :)

Flurries

Today is. . . unfortunate. That is, it's unfortunate that today even has to mean anything to me. Will I always look upon this day and wish that a simple date meant nothing, that perhaps I'd like to be able to wipe a day off of the calendar completely? If January could go from the 7th to the 9th, I'd be grateful. The snow is falling, along with my mood, and I can't help but wonder at the effect today is having. This day last year wasn't as hard and you'd think that a year later would be like nothing. I guess it reminds me that shock and pain become comfortable, close to you, so close that you forget they're there until they strip away and all that is left is a raw, pale and un-sunned portion of yourself that you forgot existed.

When I pulled into the library this morning, I watched a snowflake land on my windshield. "God made you, individual and unique, like a flake of snow He made just for me. I vow to treasure you as the gift that you are." I remember every word of my vows, especially the "for better or worse" portion. Why, when worse came, did he decide that didn't mean anything? I wonder if I'll ever be able to make that promise to someone else. That's not important, though, not today.

The snowflake melted in about 5 seconds. To God, our lives must seem that short. We're one flake of snow in a snowstorm that lasts for eternity but we're not inconspicuous in the big picture of His grand plan. He knows every flake down to its weight, the number of tips in its pattern, how it fell and where it landed. He knows. He knows AND cares. We can't get lost from His sight. We aren't forgotten. No matter how dark or cold or deep it gets in this life, that snow falling from heaven is still pure and white, washed clean from a sacrifice made several thousand years ago.

I'm not feeling washed today. Cold, yes, I feel cold and, admittedly, a little lost. I hate divorce.

An Early Morning

This morning began early, really early. I continue to be amazed that God is allowing me to actually DO what my heart desires and yearns to do. Medicine continues to surprise me and my own reactions to the things that happen around me are no exception.

I walked in on a code blue yesterday in the operating room and I was taken aback by the fact that I didn't panic, I didn't feel emotionally distraught, I simply stood there amazed. I watched as they worked to save a man's life and I was intrigued by what the doctors and nurses were doing. I wanted to learn from the experience, store it away in case I ever found myself in a similar situation. A surgeon I've been following did an emergency procedure to secure an airway and I felt respect for his steady hand and his skill. This morning, the man is alive. His prognosis isn't good but I know who's really in charge and the end game is up to Him.

It is beginning to occur to me that medical school, as a process, works. Several years ago in that code situation I would have found myself in a panic. My mind is starting to see things in a new light and part of me wonders if that means that I care less about the emotional nature of certain situations. Is this a self-preserving process, this almost mechanical detachment or retreat, at moments, into another part of the brain? I'm not sure but for some reason I think I'm starting to feel a small taste of confidence and oddly, with it comes an even stronger desire to lean more on the great Physician. I find myself in awe of God and His ability to train and equip a person for their calling. He promises that He will complete the good works that He begins in each of us and I'm excited to continually be molded and shaped into what He has for me to become.

He Comes

He comes and I will wait
There is no minute, no hour
He comes and is not late
All time is in His power

He comes and I am still
His breath upon my face
He comes and brings His will
My pulse begins to race

He comes and I am weak
My lips can taste His gift
He comes, my heart to seek
My will begins to shift

He comes, I feel the heat
He fills me with His light
He comes, I am complete
My Beloved in the night

The Pursuit

I tried to chase the sunset
Horizon long before me

The sun knelt

I reached farther, faster, stretched
Breathless

I tried to catch the last rays
Pounding pulse of the day
Threads of light strained
My hands open, grasping, willing
Breathless

I tried to bargain the beauty
Ecstasy, the glows final gasp
Pursuit of the last flash
My arms wide, aching, shaking
Breathless

I tried to follow the limit
The dwindling end of day
Fearful, the silent cease
Until I saw the sunrise
Breathless

Chinese Proverb Say. . .

I was at dinner the other night with a good friend of mine. We met in my divorce recovery class about a year ago and since then we've kept in touch via Face book and e-mail. While at dinner in this fantastic Chinese restaurant, we talked about how much we've both grown in the last year and where we've both sort of been stagnant. Over beef with broccoli and steamed rice, I came to the realization that it's time I got angry about what happened to me.

I've been battling this for a long, long time. The difference between anger and hatred, the fear that comes with realizing that this kind of emotion is something I've never really felt before, and the reservations I have about how necessary this is to my healing are concepts I've both mulled over and avoided. What really is anger and what does scripture say about its role in our lives?

I know that we're told not to sin in our anger. It's interesting to me that God doesn't say "If you happen to get angry". No where are we commanded to not get angry and I can't find anything that says that anger in and of itself is a sin. We're definitely encouraged to forgive, but does forgiveness mean that you don't feel mad anymore? All things I intend on exploring in the coming days and weeks.

As we ate, we talked about how being abandoned by your spouse lets fear into your life. For a while I've been afraid that the brokenness I've felt has made me unworthy of being blessed with beauty in my life. I've made mistakes in the last year and a half and God has blessed me all along the way but there have been times when I've wondered if I really deserve His blessings, as if somehow I'm now tainted or shamed into some form of second class citizenry in His eyes. Common sense tells me that's not true but the heart is a world all of its own.

While I sipped my Jasmine tea, I realized that these feelings come from a desire to shoulder all of the responsibility of my divorce. While I know it's impossible that there isn't SOME part of this that is somehow my fault, I took my portion too far and decided to take total responsibility. There are still no explanations for my ex-husbands decision to leave me. However, just like science still doesn't completely comprehend the role an individual gene plays in determining exactly how a person will look, I may never comprehend my role in my divorce. That makes me no less or more responsible and, in God's eyes, no less or more a child of His.

The fortune cookies came and I carefully eyed the small black tray with the bill on it. Feeling that it was a good metaphorical representation of how I still feel inside, I reached over and picked up the one that was broken and smashed. I popped open the wrapper and picked out the cookie, shard by shard. Per my own tradition I saved reading the fortune for last and when I pulled it out, the paper felt unusually thick. To my surprise, there were twelve fortunes inside that one broken cookie! As we read each and every one of them, my friend and I threw our heads back and laughed at the irony of it all. It's just like God to pack a lot of great blessings into something broken and less than ideal. The value of a person rests in His eyes and it cannot be diminished by our circumstances or our mistakes. THAT is more than just good fortune-it's His grace. . . and I'm grateful.