Stethescopes and Monkey Wrenches

The mechanic and the doctor have a lot in common. I drove my car to the Ford dealership yesterday because it has been acting kind of "funny". I parked, walked inside, and approached the man at the counter. He asked me, "What brings you in to see us today?". I told him my car had been acting strangely and he said, "Tell me more about that". After we discussed the various sounds and went through how long it had been acting this way, how consistently, where the sounds were coming from, how it handled certain situations, etc, he said "We'll get someone to take a look at it and run a diagnostic. We should have something to tell you in a few hours." Shaking my head in confusion, I went and sat down in the customer lounge with a strange and familiar feeling.

I despise dealing with my car. When it doesn't work properly, I just want someone to fix it. Don't explain to me how it works, why it doesn't seem to be working right now, or try to convince me that I need a different vehicle. Just fix it and fix it now. I wonder how many patients feel that way when they come to the doctor's office. They don't really want to know why they're sick, they just want the cure and the sooner, the better. Of course, I've never heard a doctor trying to convince a patient that they needed a new body but maybe that's something for the future. I can hear it now "Ms. X, you really should think about that heart transplant because, at this rate, replacing your heart just might get you another ten years on your current liver (Wink, nudge)".

Each of us can find a connection to other people through our careers. And some of us even enjoy being on the other side of our jobs from time to time. I know that I enjoy sitting back and being the patient. When I go the doctor, I don't tell them that I'm a medical student unless I'm asked directly. Some people just don't get that. "Why not?" they ask. It's simple. I find a comfort in letting someone take care of me and take the wheel for a little bit. It's a relief not to think about what I should do for myself or the mechanism behind my aches and pains. And who wants to be quizzed about the top bacterial causes of sinusitis when you're suffering from your own sniffles?

When the mechanic was done, he promptly reminded me that there's another thing the auto shop and the doctor's office have in common. After his diagnosis and treatment recommendations, he turned to me and said, "That'll be $100."

Suddenly, I felt nauseous.

Time

Time. It's a mysterious and frightening thing. As a species, we've given it life. We mark it out in seconds, months, millennia. We say it marches on, stands still, flies and even loops back onto itself. We've given it a face (father time), say that it laughs at us, and even has a memory. There have been books about it, movies made to explore its nature and its temperament, poems composed in honor of it's faithfulness and consistency.

The bible begins with a discussion of time, giving humanity a place to start, and it concludes with an extensive look at time's end. For such a widely discussed and explored concept, we still seem to know very little and we continue to be surprised by the multitude of ways that time can cause us trouble, joy, and catch us off balance. I've been thinking a lot about time lately.

None of us know how much time we've each been allotted. Some of us have a good idea that we may have less than others but, of course, only God knows for sure. I was in clinic yesterday with an eight year old boy and we were waiting for the attending physician to come back. There is an interactive activity center on the wall with the moon that you can make orbit the Earth and a space ship that you can turn so that it faces other planets in the solar system. When you turn the ship towards a planet, an opening in the bottom of the ship tells you how many days are in a year on that particular planet and how far it is from the sun. The boy started reading the numbers and asking me to help him figure out how long it would take to get to certain planets if you started from the sun. He pulled out some chalk and I got out my phone so we could use the calculator on it. Writing on the chalk board, we figured that it would take about 55 years to drive from the sun to the Earth if you went 210 miles per hour for 24 hours a day/ 365 days a year. We did the calculation for other planets and it dawned on me that no matter what planet we did the calculation for, we were still measuring by Earth time. He asked me, "If we moved to Venus, do you think we'd still care about our birthday's?" That question took me by surprise. I thought about that for a long, long time.

Tai Chi

For the last week, every morning when I leave for the hospital, there's an Asian man standing in the grass by the shelter doing tai chi. His clothing is simple: a rumpled khaki button down shirt and shorts. Most mornings there's a little mist coming off of the pond and the silence, combined with the mist and the green surroundings, is almost too real to be in front of me and not on the pages of a book or the big screen. For a few moments I'm not in Columbia, Missouri. He moves, slowly and confidently, his arms making shapes that flow from one form to the next with liquid precision. I'm transfixed, amazed, transported. And it's not that he seems so out of place that freezes me in my tracks. It's his focus.

I'd give anything to have focus like that. In the midst of a living, breathing city where thousands are waking, fixing their breakfast, brushing their teeth, this man seems so calm, so quiet. Imagine if we could all adopt that kind of focus in the midst of a million things to do by five o'clock. The only place I can think of where I've felt anything close to what I see in this man is in my prayer time. When I'm listening to God, the world could fall apart and I'm pretty confident I wouldn't notice until I said got up off my knees. Does that mean that those times when I feel so unfocused, so strewn about in my day to day activities, I'm actually stepping away from the throne? Is it possible that our focus shifts from the King of Kings to our surroundings and that's why we all feel so stressed?

I don't know if this man is a Christian. I don't know what he hears during this time each day. Does he hear God? Does he hear nature? Does he focus on his own heartbeat or the movement of his chest in and out as he breaths? Who knows. I should probably ask. I know that the Lord would have me ask myself why it is that there are times when I allow my own heartbeat to drown out His voice as He beckons me to His feet. The real question is, with this awareness, do I focus on Jesus as He says "Come" or the distracting lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub of my life?

The Call

There comes a time when we all must decide what's important and what's not. Am I going to worry about how someone else might feel just because I've come to the conclusion that devoting myself to this daily calling is more important than anything else? Why don't people understand that when God calls, you have NO choice but to answer? And it's not like I feel forced. There's a place in my soul that says "YES! Yes God, I'll make this calling my breath and sustenance and trust You for EVERYTHING else."

How do I describe this? What's the best way to explain to the world just how I feel about becoming a doctor? Being obedient to God and answering His call is like inhaling for the first time. When that voice comes to you in the stillness of your soul, every nerve in your body tingles to life and your own voice bucks at the opportunity to escape your lips and say "Here am I!". I can only imagine how the prophet Samuel felt as a child in the temple when God called his name in the dark. It must have been magnificent and humbling and frightening and filling all at the same time.

I feel so free! I feel so wealthy! And yet, I know right down to my toes that I have nothing of my own. I'll take THIS servitude over being indebted to anything or anyone else any day. In Christ I'm the freest servant, the wealthiest debtor, and the greatest of His least. I'd gladly prostrate myself before the King for all eternity because I know, in the end, He lifts your head and the chance to look in His eyes is worth a billion lifetimes of servitude.

What's the good news? Heaven isn't even like that. We're told we get to rule by Christ's side as co-inheritors of eternity. I can't even fathom! If we're wealthy now with empty hands lifted in praise, can you imagine the riches of heaven when we can lay our crowns at His feet? There is no end to the wealth of His love. There is no "You are Here" star that marks where we are in His favor. It just IS. He just IS. And the call to serve is so strong, so powerful. It reverberates down my spine and shakes me to my core. What's left when the smoke clears? My heart. And it's full. So full.

Thoughts on Paul

God doesn't always wait for us to change. Just like Paul, sometimes he splits the ground, blinds us, and forces us to look at our own souls in a way that shakes us to the core. I've been thinking about Paul lately. He was traveling the road to Damascus. He was one of the biggest persecutors of Christians of his time. He had spent his life thus far seeking the blood of the followers of Christ and trying to punch holes in the gospel. It makes me wonder why, if God knew He would eventually turn Paul's heart towards Him, why didn't He do it in the beginning of Paul's life? Why didn't He take young Paul and impact him early? The only thing I can come up with is that He wanted Paul's testimony to be BIG. An early personal encounter with God would have given Paul more years of closeness with God but it wouldn't have allowed one of the greatest testimonies of all time to be born. Paul HAD to spend that time in the dark so that when the light hit him, he would be blinded by the truth of it and those around him would know that something amazing had happened.

There is a darkness inside all of us. We've all traveled the road to Damascus. We've all spent time sitting on the mountaintop, listening as that seductive voice says "I'll give you all that you see and more." Many of us have chosen to look inside and see what God would have us change rather than look at the riches below that comprise the empty promises of the enemy. Some chose to believe the lie that this world can give us all that we want and more. I encourage you to pray today for those who are basking in a false sense of wealth. Those who chose to think that just because they are "good" or "try" that means that they have surrendered. Like Paul, we all need to be shaken, blinded, and shown the truth. It's not always pleasant but in the end we wind up with a testimony that will move the masses towards God. That's the point, right?

A New Pandemic: Be Aware and DON'T Wash Your Hands

There's a pandemic sweeping the globe and the media doesn't seem to be talking about it too much. I'm actually surprised given the fact that US media can smell blood a thousand miles away and they will do anything to make a mountain out of a mole hill - but I suppose they also make mole hills out of mountains. . .

Apparently this infection has a latent phase of months to years and, at this point, there's no way to test for exposure. No one is sure how it's transmitted. Experts aren't sure if it spreads through the air or via direct physical contact. Some suggest that perhaps even SEEING a case of this disease may be enough to start the physiologic processes that predispose an individual to developing a full blown infection. No age is spared. No socioeconomic class is immune. There is no vaccine. No one is even certain that having the infection will protect you from further outbreaks.

And the kicker is, this isn't new. This disease has been around since the beginning of time. It's probably wiped out more people than HIV or cancer. It affects every organ system in the body and it particularly targets the central nervous system. Signs and symptoms include personality change, mania, antisocial behavior, increased basal body temperature, vasodilation, blood loss, insomnia, diaphporesis, tachypnia, tachycardia, shock, coma, and in some cases, even death. Each person may present differently and sometimes diagnosis is difficult to make. Post infectious states for some survivors are characterized by weight loss, depression, anxiety, somnolence, more insomnia, and feelings of hopelessness while others may experience an improvement in their productivity, increased blood flow to core organ systems, and increased basal metabolic functioning.

It's hard to say what will happen as this infection wreaks havoc on the world. It even reared it's head in Atlanta yesterday and that's not the first time the US has seen an outbreak. A couple hundred years ago it killed thousands upon thousands of Americans. Don't get me wrong, I don't think this disease is a bad thing at all. Would I cure it if I knew how? No, and trust me, some people have tried. It takes a hold of a person and either forces them to give up or become more than they ever thought possible. You might have even heard of it. It's called Freedom.

Untitled

I asked an Echo "Where is your voice?"
And it replied to me in same
I said to the Echo "I am Erica"
And found we shared a name.

I sought out the Echo "Where are you from?"
And it looked for for my source too
I sat in silence with the Echo
And found myself with You.