Tai Chi

For the last week, every morning when I leave for the hospital, there's an Asian man standing in the grass by the shelter doing tai chi. His clothing is simple: a rumpled khaki button down shirt and shorts. Most mornings there's a little mist coming off of the pond and the silence, combined with the mist and the green surroundings, is almost too real to be in front of me and not on the pages of a book or the big screen. For a few moments I'm not in Columbia, Missouri. He moves, slowly and confidently, his arms making shapes that flow from one form to the next with liquid precision. I'm transfixed, amazed, transported. And it's not that he seems so out of place that freezes me in my tracks. It's his focus.

I'd give anything to have focus like that. In the midst of a living, breathing city where thousands are waking, fixing their breakfast, brushing their teeth, this man seems so calm, so quiet. Imagine if we could all adopt that kind of focus in the midst of a million things to do by five o'clock. The only place I can think of where I've felt anything close to what I see in this man is in my prayer time. When I'm listening to God, the world could fall apart and I'm pretty confident I wouldn't notice until I said got up off my knees. Does that mean that those times when I feel so unfocused, so strewn about in my day to day activities, I'm actually stepping away from the throne? Is it possible that our focus shifts from the King of Kings to our surroundings and that's why we all feel so stressed?

I don't know if this man is a Christian. I don't know what he hears during this time each day. Does he hear God? Does he hear nature? Does he focus on his own heartbeat or the movement of his chest in and out as he breaths? Who knows. I should probably ask. I know that the Lord would have me ask myself why it is that there are times when I allow my own heartbeat to drown out His voice as He beckons me to His feet. The real question is, with this awareness, do I focus on Jesus as He says "Come" or the distracting lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub of my life?

The Call

There comes a time when we all must decide what's important and what's not. Am I going to worry about how someone else might feel just because I've come to the conclusion that devoting myself to this daily calling is more important than anything else? Why don't people understand that when God calls, you have NO choice but to answer? And it's not like I feel forced. There's a place in my soul that says "YES! Yes God, I'll make this calling my breath and sustenance and trust You for EVERYTHING else."

How do I describe this? What's the best way to explain to the world just how I feel about becoming a doctor? Being obedient to God and answering His call is like inhaling for the first time. When that voice comes to you in the stillness of your soul, every nerve in your body tingles to life and your own voice bucks at the opportunity to escape your lips and say "Here am I!". I can only imagine how the prophet Samuel felt as a child in the temple when God called his name in the dark. It must have been magnificent and humbling and frightening and filling all at the same time.

I feel so free! I feel so wealthy! And yet, I know right down to my toes that I have nothing of my own. I'll take THIS servitude over being indebted to anything or anyone else any day. In Christ I'm the freest servant, the wealthiest debtor, and the greatest of His least. I'd gladly prostrate myself before the King for all eternity because I know, in the end, He lifts your head and the chance to look in His eyes is worth a billion lifetimes of servitude.

What's the good news? Heaven isn't even like that. We're told we get to rule by Christ's side as co-inheritors of eternity. I can't even fathom! If we're wealthy now with empty hands lifted in praise, can you imagine the riches of heaven when we can lay our crowns at His feet? There is no end to the wealth of His love. There is no "You are Here" star that marks where we are in His favor. It just IS. He just IS. And the call to serve is so strong, so powerful. It reverberates down my spine and shakes me to my core. What's left when the smoke clears? My heart. And it's full. So full.

Thoughts on Paul

God doesn't always wait for us to change. Just like Paul, sometimes he splits the ground, blinds us, and forces us to look at our own souls in a way that shakes us to the core. I've been thinking about Paul lately. He was traveling the road to Damascus. He was one of the biggest persecutors of Christians of his time. He had spent his life thus far seeking the blood of the followers of Christ and trying to punch holes in the gospel. It makes me wonder why, if God knew He would eventually turn Paul's heart towards Him, why didn't He do it in the beginning of Paul's life? Why didn't He take young Paul and impact him early? The only thing I can come up with is that He wanted Paul's testimony to be BIG. An early personal encounter with God would have given Paul more years of closeness with God but it wouldn't have allowed one of the greatest testimonies of all time to be born. Paul HAD to spend that time in the dark so that when the light hit him, he would be blinded by the truth of it and those around him would know that something amazing had happened.

There is a darkness inside all of us. We've all traveled the road to Damascus. We've all spent time sitting on the mountaintop, listening as that seductive voice says "I'll give you all that you see and more." Many of us have chosen to look inside and see what God would have us change rather than look at the riches below that comprise the empty promises of the enemy. Some chose to believe the lie that this world can give us all that we want and more. I encourage you to pray today for those who are basking in a false sense of wealth. Those who chose to think that just because they are "good" or "try" that means that they have surrendered. Like Paul, we all need to be shaken, blinded, and shown the truth. It's not always pleasant but in the end we wind up with a testimony that will move the masses towards God. That's the point, right?

A New Pandemic: Be Aware and DON'T Wash Your Hands

There's a pandemic sweeping the globe and the media doesn't seem to be talking about it too much. I'm actually surprised given the fact that US media can smell blood a thousand miles away and they will do anything to make a mountain out of a mole hill - but I suppose they also make mole hills out of mountains. . .

Apparently this infection has a latent phase of months to years and, at this point, there's no way to test for exposure. No one is sure how it's transmitted. Experts aren't sure if it spreads through the air or via direct physical contact. Some suggest that perhaps even SEEING a case of this disease may be enough to start the physiologic processes that predispose an individual to developing a full blown infection. No age is spared. No socioeconomic class is immune. There is no vaccine. No one is even certain that having the infection will protect you from further outbreaks.

And the kicker is, this isn't new. This disease has been around since the beginning of time. It's probably wiped out more people than HIV or cancer. It affects every organ system in the body and it particularly targets the central nervous system. Signs and symptoms include personality change, mania, antisocial behavior, increased basal body temperature, vasodilation, blood loss, insomnia, diaphporesis, tachypnia, tachycardia, shock, coma, and in some cases, even death. Each person may present differently and sometimes diagnosis is difficult to make. Post infectious states for some survivors are characterized by weight loss, depression, anxiety, somnolence, more insomnia, and feelings of hopelessness while others may experience an improvement in their productivity, increased blood flow to core organ systems, and increased basal metabolic functioning.

It's hard to say what will happen as this infection wreaks havoc on the world. It even reared it's head in Atlanta yesterday and that's not the first time the US has seen an outbreak. A couple hundred years ago it killed thousands upon thousands of Americans. Don't get me wrong, I don't think this disease is a bad thing at all. Would I cure it if I knew how? No, and trust me, some people have tried. It takes a hold of a person and either forces them to give up or become more than they ever thought possible. You might have even heard of it. It's called Freedom.

Untitled

I asked an Echo "Where is your voice?"
And it replied to me in same
I said to the Echo "I am Erica"
And found we shared a name.

I sought out the Echo "Where are you from?"
And it looked for for my source too
I sat in silence with the Echo
And found myself with You.

M&Ms. . . and bleeding?

Have you ever tried to really savor the flavor of something but each time you do, you find yourself just crunching right through it and each time you swallow, you curse yourself again for not being able to just let it melt in your mouth? I'm eating Peanut M & Ms right now and for the last 6 or 7 pieces, I just can't seem to let it sit in my mouth until I get to the peanut. I only have two left (a Fun-Sized pack) and I really want to get to the peanut on at least one of these darn things before they're all gone! Why? So I can taste all three layers. . . candy coating, chocolate, peanut AND experience all of the individual stages that come with that. You know, candy coating and chocolate, chocolate and peanut, chocolate, peanut, candy coating. There are a lot of things in life like that. All those stages of a job - being the new person, being the middle man on the totem pole, being the boss. Now, some people just want to be the boss and some people are happy being the new guy all the time which is why they never stay with a job long enough to know their co-workers middle name. I'm working on savoring each stage in life, each experience, painful or pleasurable. It's all a part of humanity I guess. Sometimes I really hate being human. It's hard to want all of those good things in life and know, deep down, that you dread the difficult things. And at the same time, I've grown to kind of enjoy the difficult and uncomfortable, when it comes. I DON'T go looking for it, OH NO. I'd be perfectly happy if I never had to experience loss, sickness, loneliness, anger, brokenness, fear. But it's there.

I wonder if Jesus, in His perfect human existence, ever cut his hand while working at his carpentry and sat there saying to himself "This is pain. Remember this." I mean, we all know that He eventually suffered the cross and we can't even fathom that amount of spiritual, emotional, and physical pain. We live a reflection of the cross in our own suffering but we'll never know what His experience was like and, no doubt, He knew that. So, when He stubbed His toe or felt exhaustion, did He stop and think "This is what they feel. This is frustration, impatience, clumsiness." Maybe, maybe not. But we do know that He had the patience and fortitude to live His life knowing what was coming. Maybe we don't know our futures because we wouldn't have the patience to wait for the good things and the strength to stand firm while waiting for the storm.

Hmm. . . there's that peanut. AND it has that paper thin sheath around it that peanuts sometimes have. I didn't expect that.

What IS beautiful?

Loaded in that question are many interpretations. First, one could ask "What does beautiful mean?" There is also "What makes something beautiful?" or "What things are beautiful?" According to the dictionary, as a adjective, beautiful is:

1. having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2. excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.
3. wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

Everyone wonders, at some point or another, about their own definition of beauty. It seems society has standards for beauty that change by the moment. I prefer to ignore those as it seems silly to me that standards so fleeting are so highly valued by the masses. That does not mean that there aren't SOME aspects of current pop culture that I find highly attractive to say the least. I'm certain I'm not alone and that most men and women could say the same. In fact, a female friend and I were having a conversation about admiration the other day. It's unavoidable that we notice those things, people, or places that give us pleasure to think about, hear, taste, smell, feel, or look at. A soft blanket, a burning candle, the woodsy taste of chamomile tea, Debussy, that warm feeling in the morning when your sheets are a PART of your skin and your eyelids are rose petals that seem to flutter on their own. These things, and so much more, are beautiful to me.

Of course, we all question our own beauty too. Now I say this, not because I feel that we are all inherently vain but, because I think we all desire to give pleasure or satisfaction; to be excellent of our own kind; to be very pleasing. It's human nature to want to be such for others. To be considered an "excellent specimen" of human being is an honor that people strive for all of their lives. Not just physically, of course, but intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. All of those things draw people in whether they realize it or not.

If it was all about seeing, then the occipital lobe of our brain would be bigger and centrally located. Sight is almost completely compartmentalized from the other senses. You can't smell or taste, either in their entirety, one without the other. You can't experience sound as God meant for you to without being able to experience vibration on some minute, tactile level. That information in itself tells me a little bit about what God values as important, and, in a sense, what WE should value. Still, we are creatures of habit and we don't exactly walk around tasting and touching each other. . .