Famine, Feast and Faith

I went to church today for the first time in a long time. While I was worshipping, I had the following vision and I feel compelled to share it with you.

I was standing on a beach. The ocean stretched out in front me, blue and beautiful. Behind me loomed a tall mountain. I was hungry, more hungry than I have ever been in my life. Something inside told me there was a feast on top of that mountain. It was a feast so grand that I would never be hungry again. I gazed at the mountain and I was afraid. There were fires that lept high into the sky. I could hear wild animals and see their shadows move through the trees. There were poisonous plants dotting the paths. Raging rivers flowing down the mountain. In short, there was no easy way to the top. My decision was easy. I would have to find food somewhere else. I turned back to the beach in search of options.

In a very short while I came upon a picnic. On a red checkered blanket rested fruit so luscious I could feel my mouth begin to water. My stomach growled and I decided this would do just fine. There were pears twice the size of my fist, grapes dripping with juice, soft peaches and apples so red and ripe I could smell their fragrance from a distance. I picked up a pear and took a big bite. The taste was indescribable. As the juice ran down my chin I looked back up the mountain. This had been the right decision. I took another bite but I noticed something strange as I chewed. At first it was gritty. Then it was hard. As I continued to chew the taste simply disappeared. Suddenly, the piece of pear in my mouth seemed more like sand than fruit. I spit it out and, to my surprise, it was sand! I looked at the fruit in my hand only to discover it was a clump of beach. This had to be a mistake somehow so I dropped what I was holding and wiped my hand on my shirt. I reached for a clump of grapes. The first grape was like heaven. Succulent, sweet and moist, I held my head back and swallowed with satisfaction. The next grape was a little less satisfying. The third grape was terrible. The fourth grape was gritty and at last, again, I was eating and holding sand. I thew my handful down in disgust. In the spirit of insanity (expecting a different result) I picked up an apple. The same thing happened. I became very angry. I started pitching apples and pears and peaches into the ocean. I screamed at the sky and exhausted my self in frustration only to realize I was now more hungry than when I started. That's when I turned to face the mountain.

It was tall and mostly dark. The peak was enveloped in clouds. I did not even know for certain if it ever ended. Again, somewhere deep inside, a small voice reminded me "There's a feast at the top". I could smell the smoke from the fires and hear the growls from the animals. My hunger became so great and I knew I could die on this beach if I chose to. My head swam with doubt. The sand under my feet was hot and dry. I decided to start walking.

I passed through the foliage at the base and began to climb. My stomach was so empty, it felt like it was digesting itself. My mouth felt like dry parchment. At one point, I slipped and almost fell off the mountain. I held on by the tips of my fingers, crying out in fear until my toes brushed a ledge. It took hours to get back on my feet. Yes, I was scared, but there were moments of peace, too. The dirt between my toes was soft. The sun disappeared and heat was replaced by a cool, moist breeze. I could see bears and wolves, snakes and mountain lions but they paid me no heed. I came upon a fire and a way through it presented itself. Raging rivers became babbling brooks and trickling streams that washed my feet and cooled me on my journey. I climbed for so many days that they all ran together. A fog developed as I passed through the cloud bank and I could barely see my own hand in front of my face. My exhaustion became tangible. Almost blind in the fog and deaf to anything but the sound of my pounding heart in my ears, I considered quitting. Then it happened.

My leg brushed something hard. My had reached out and I grasped the end of a table. I ran my left hand along the table and used it as guide. The table continued and continued. Its smooth wooden surface was cool and firm. The fog slowly lifted as I walked. The foliage disappeared and the sun came out overhead. I blinked in disbelief and used my right hand to shield my face. Heart pounding, gasping for breath, I lowered my hand. The view in front of me was overwhelming. The table seemed to never end and it had so many chairs around it that I lost count. The food was heaped high in the center and laid out on the plates. And the view - I could see the whole world all around me! I found my chair and sank into the cushion. I reached for my glass and drank deep of the water it held. I ate and was satisfied. No words can describe the tastes, smells, and textures of that feast.

As I chewed, I thought back on the journey. I remembered my foolish decision to try and be satisfied with what was easy, what was convenient. A path had been placed before me with an unspoken promise and I had tried to lean on what was seen only to be disappointed. In the end, none of the shadows or the dangers had mattered. Faith, not fear, had been the key. My provisions were far greater than my needs and all I had to do was believe.

The View from the Top... and the Bottom... and the Side

Perspective. We could all use a little. Sometimes in life things happen and we find ourselves caught up, spun around, and knocked on our behinds. It hurts, but it happens. Funny thing is, if we never ended up sitting on our duffs we wouldn't gain the advantage of a new point of view.



I had a patient the other day who came into clinic wearing this beautiful vest. When I walked in the exam room I noticed it immediately. It was yellow, red, green, white, and black. From across the room it looked like crochet. The patient's mother said he had made the vest himself. I was even more amazed because this young man had some pretty severe disabilities. He does not talk and he will never be able to care for himself. We proceeded with the interview and, as we began to address her main reason for presenting today, I approached him for my physical exam. As I got closer I started noticing some new things about the vest. The individual threads were slightly rougher than I originally thought. The edges were a little less even. The colors were actually more varied up close than was evident from acorss the room. I reached out and touched the vest. It was not crochet. It was made out of... twist ties! Suddenly, what seemed amazing and beautiful was now astounding and inspiring. How long had this taken? There were thousands of twist ties comprising this vest. That's a lot of twisting! That's a lot of ties!



Perspective. Of course, it works in reverse too. Sometimes things seem so beautiful and so good and then we get a taste and... blech! I like to cook. Most of the time I'm successful but when I'm not, well, let's just say I bow my head and thank the Lord for delivery. Like the time I grilled fish for my parents. The dish came out looking like a magazine picture. We all sat down to dig in. The table looked nice. My mouth was watering. Mom, dad and I opened up for our first bites AAAAAND DISASTER! What I thought was garlic powder was actually onion powder! It was a short meal. My spices are labeled correctly now.



One person from scripture who I imagine gained A LOT of perspective was Eve. How did she end up deciding what was for dinner that night in Eden? Maybe it went a little something like this:



Adam: "What do you want for dinner?"

Eve: "I don't care."

Adam: "I know you have an opinion. What do you want?"

Eve (shrugs): "Really. I don't care."

Adam: "Okay. How about some oranges?"

Eve (examinng her hands): "Wellllll, oranges are niiiice. They have loads of vitamin C but the rind gets under my nails..."

Adam: "Okay, what do YOU want?"

Eve (shakes head and purses lips): "I don't care."

Adam (exasperated and throwing his hands in the air): "See! I can't take it! Every night, it's the same conversation! You're on your own for dinner, woman! I'll meet you back at this tree in an hour!"



So he stomps off and the rest is history. Eve meets the serpent and now we all weed our gardens, work our butts off, and have to live through sweltering summers like this one. I bet in her heart of hearts Eve never again wanted to leave Adam's side and she sure as heck never hesitated to voice her opinion again!



Speaking of hearts - the perspective of the heart is tricky. My heart recently gained a new point of view. Do we love freely and take our chances or do we protect ourselves and love only when it is safe? I've always voted for "love freely" and, despite recent events, I think I'll still lean that way. Jesus loved freely. I know, it's waaay over used, but let's look at Corinthians.



1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."



No where in that passage does it say we need to worry about what will happen to the love we give to people. Unlike money or time or greeting cards, the capacity of our hearts increases with each incriment we give out. Sometimes it hurts but that's okay. In 1 Peter 4:8 we see the command "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins". It's like a drop of water in a vast pond! Who knows what shores the ripples will touch! Love is the only thing in existance that gets bigger with the more you give. I will not be afraid to give it freely and I'm thankful for that point of view.

Love and Service

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:1-4 ESV

What does it mean to truly serve others?  I find it odd that people are taken aback when they encounter an act of genuine service.   I was with a friend of mine today and I apologised for not refilling his plate myself when he was at my apartment.  His response was, "You're over the top.  I haven't encountered anyone who wants to do things like that in a long time.  Maybe my Great Grandmother... but no one else."

That made me feel sad.  Is service fast becoming a forgotten art?  My first instinct is no.  For example, as a society today, we have a new appreciation for military service.  The men and women who serve our country deserve no less than our utmost respect.  They are wonderful examples of ultimate sacrifice but there are many other ways to serve.  There's also the pastor, the firefighter, the nurse, the dog walker, the trash collector, the waitress and the barber - just to name a few.  These are all jobs of service.  In fact, according to the US Department of Treasury, service industries account for 68% of U.S. GDP and four out of five U.S. jobs.  That's a lot of us in service!  So, it begs the question, why aren't we better at it? 

Many people enter the jobs I mentioned above with the desire to help others.  Along the way, those motives might change.  Sometimes we're compensated with money, other services or the knowledge that someone owes us a debt.  Does it still count as service if we're compensated in some way?  I think it still counts.  Compensation for services rendered doesn't change the act but it might change the motive.  Even volunteering has changed in recent years.  When you ask the average high school or college student why they've volunteered recently, you'll hear all kinds of responses.  Volunteer service is almost as important on a CV or application as past job experience or grades.  Volunteerism is "popular" and even considered "trendy" in some circles.  There are more ways to volunteer today than there were 10 years ago and, according to the U.S. Economic News Release, more people volunteer every day.  In short, more people are working in service, more people are volunteering and the numbers are increasing all the time.  This is all very reassuring, but why is my friend surprised when I want to serve him in my home? 

Jesus surprised the disciples when he washed their feet (John 13:1-17).  Of course, Simon Peter protested the idea that his Lord should do this but Jesus corrected him.  This act of service was meant to be an example for how we should all serve each other.  No one is above serving his fellow man and true service should come from love.  1 Peter 1:22 says "Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart".  I think the difference is love. 

The bible mentions four kinds of love:  Eros, Storge, Phileo, and Agape.  Of course, we all know Eros.  That's everywhere.  It's on the TV, it's in a magazine, it's on the street.  It BELONGS in the marriage bed but that's a whole other blog post.  Phileo is for our friends and Agape is that supreme love that comes from God.  We can and should strive for Agape for our fellow man.  Storge is a little less discussed.  Storge is what we are encouraged to have for our fellow man.  It is a supportive love that I think comes out of practicing Phileo and working towards Agape.  Over and over in scripture we are implored to love one another.  True service is the ultimate expression of love.  When we refill our friends plate, when we open the door for a stranger, when we clear the neighbor's driveway of snow - we are saying I love you.  I want to encourage you all to serve, and love, each other today.  In big ways, in small ways, in expected and unexpected ways, serve and be served.  Love and be loved.

Star Struck

I was at the grocery store tonight waiting in line to check out and I did what I always do.  I picked up one of the more "reputable" tabloids and for a few minutes I dove into the world of expensive dresses, fancy jewelry, and outrageous lives.  I read story after story about things I know I will never experience and I found myself thinking, "There's no way these people are REAL."  No one lives like this.  No one experiences these things.  No one travels around with crowds of people.  No one speaks a sentence and the world hears about it in 24 hours. No one influences people by just wearing a certain color or changing their hair style.  No one laughs and then the world laughs.  No one lives this BIG.  No way.  I'll never see these people in person.  I'll never touch them or talk to them.  Celebrities just can't be "real".

I came home and sat down and looked at my Christmas tree.  My eyes traveled to the star on top and I started to reflect on Christmas.  Do I ever feel that way about God?  We talk to Him daily and we read His word.  We don't touch Him and we won't see Him until the end.  Regardless, the reality is sometimes I start to think of God like a rock star.  He's a figure out there somewhere who is so big and so untouchable that He couldn't have ACTUALLY been here.  He walked around with crowds following Him.  He influenced people with just a touch, a glance, a breath.  He spoke and thousands of years later, people still hear it.  But He is real.  He was born and we celebrate it every year.  He died and we observe that, too.  He rose and we marvel.  He's the unbelievable, the miraculous, made flesh.

My life has been a little surreal lately.  I'm facing some trials and the people around me are too.  It can get hard to have faith.  We all walk this unimaginable line between belief and disbelief, joy and sorrow, peace and chaos.  It's a little like standing on the surface of the moon at that place where the light ends and the dark begins.  A lot of people I know are standing there now, myself included.  We have no idea what lies in front of us.  We can only trust there is a plan and a purpose; that something is actually there in that dark place.  A few thousand years ago, a group of shepherds sat in the dark looking at the sky.  A star appeared and they followed it.  At the end of their journey they found the ultimate wonder - a child they worshiped and touched.  The first celebrity.  And they were star struck too.

A Child's View of the Crown

This is an old blog post I recently discovered in the Drafts folder.  Don't know why I didn't post it.  It's from 2010.  Here - an interesting observation:

April 2010:  At church yesterday I had the opportunity to sit with a little girl who means a lot to me. As we sang in the begining of service, I listened to her sweet voice and marveled at the innocence and purity of her love for Jesus. Later, she sat on my lap during the sermon. While the preacher spoke, she played with my hands, tracing the lines on my palms. At one point, she whispered in my ear, "There are letters and a star on your hands". I smiled and she showed me different letters by connecting the lines. She played with my jewlery. I wear a ring on my left thumb; it's a crown of thorns. I got this ring shortly after my divorce and I wear it to remind me no matter how much I think I might suffer in this life, there is One who suffered exponentially more for the benefit of all mankind. She asked me about the ring and I told her it is a crown of thorns like the one Jesus wore. Her eyes grew wide and she said, "His crown should have been made of gold, not thorns. He was still King, anyway."

The Journey Back

I turned around this morning and looked behind me. Not literally. Rather, I had a flash of clarity and, for a moment, I remembered what it was like to be me. A person who makes choices, not of obligation and not from a place of selfishness, but decides one way or another because my heart whispers "This way, not that way". How did I get here? I can say I've honestly practiced making decisions using all parts of me.

In the last several years, there have been many times when I've decided to do the illogical thing simply because it made no sense. Prior to my divorce, there were many times when I lived my life steered by logic and after my husband left, I wanted to see what it felt like to ignore my mind. The end result of those decisions left me breathless as well as confused and freed at the same time. There can be joy found in those decisions but it's a gamble. To ignore your mind and brush off common sense is to leap blindly without any inkling as to how high you've jumped, how hard you pushed off, or if you will ever land again. The landing can be tough. Sometimes you never touch the ground again. It's worth it in some circumstances, however you won't know if THIS is one of those circumstances until it's over.

I've made decisions based on that deep, raw part of me that wants something and wants it now. Whether it was a shirt in a store that I probably shouldn't buy, a nap when I had a serious deadline, or a kiss when I knew I wasn't ready for it - I did it anyway. Because I wanted to. How did those decisions leave me? Simply wanting more. Acknowledging that inner 3 year old who says "But it's just sitting there and I want it!" left me wanting another one or the next thing. The shirt is lovely but the next day there was another. The nap was refreshing but I felt less energized to reach my deadline. The kiss was blissful but only peaked my interest and left me with a desire for an even faster pulse. Instant gratification is not worth the results.

There have been times when I've done something simply because it was the wrong thing to do. Prior to the last several years, I imagined the "wrong thing" would always lead to ruin. Sometimes, doing the wrong thing can lead to a surprising change in perspective when we look back and realize we were wrong to begin with. This doesn't happen very often and, like doing something that doesn't make sense, you never know how this will turn out.

Many of us know that two "wrongs" don't make "right". That's true. I tested that one. However, I find one aspect of doing "wrong" very interesting. Is there such a thing as doing the wrong thing for the right reason?

Let's look at an example. In the ancient city of Jericho a woman, a prostitute no less, helped a band of the enemy sneak into her city. Was it wrong, or was it right? From the perspective of her fellow citizens this was completely wrong. Aiding the enemy violates many of the ancient rules of warfare. On this count, Rahab is guilty of treason. From the view of the Israelites, Rahab is also wrong. There's a virtual list of wrongs from their perspective. Prostitute - check. Member of the enemy force - check. Willingness to betray one's own people - check. It seems Rahab can do no right! But what about where God is concerned? She is humble and charitable. She's obedient to His call. She's a creature of His creation. In my mind, simply being His creation is the most "right" thing about Rahab.

So was helping a band of the enemy the wrong thing for the right reason? I don't think so. I don't think there is such a thing. If the reason is right, then the action is right. Of course, all of this is relative. Which side of the line do you stand on? Is something your trash or your treasure? Are you sitting in the enemy camp outside the city or are you lounging inside the gates?

We make our own decisions all the time. We decide when to act and when to stand by. We decide what to eat, where to live, and where we lay our head at night. We chose for or against obedience and we chose selfishness or we put off instant gratification for a greater prize in the end. WHATEVER we decide and HOWEVER we decide, we know this: God is at the end of all paths. And He waits for us to complete the journey.

BIG and small Wonders!

Well, I've done a poor job keeping this up! So much for a post every day. You know what they say "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars!" The goal of a post every day in residency is more like shooting for the far side of the galaxy and it looks like I landed in a black hole instead! Well, I know you forgive me... if anyone is out there! :)

What can I say about the last year? Frankly I'm speechless. My patients have taught me more in one year than I think I've learned in my entire short life. Each day is filled with joys and sorrows and lately there have been some AMAZING surprises around each corner. What a ride! God is SOOOO BIG! He's taken me to my knees and back to my feet almost on a daily basis. I'm learning the limits of the human body as I push myself harder and harder. I never would have thought I could be capable of intelligent thought at 3 am but I am!

I recently went on a very unexpected whirlwind trip to New York City. I'll never forget standing at the top of the Empire State Building at night. The whole city lay stretched out in front of me and for a moment I stood in awe of what man can do through God. It's God that gives us minds and hearts. It's God that inspired multitudes of men and women to create such a vast city of structures. It's God that daily fills the people of that city with ideas and desires, some of which impact the entire world! Who knows what will go on in that city tomorrow. Who knows what's happening down under all of those lights right now. Maybe someone is making a business decision that will change world finance. Maybe someone is curing cancer. Or, perhaps, maybe a child is dreaming of a future where they will change this skyline or build the next wonder of the modern world!

The view outside my window tonight is much simpler. There are a few small buildings behind the hospital and the highway lays beyond. I'm surrounded by sleeping children who are recovering from various illnesses. Columbia is no New York but there are still big things going on in the rooms around me. Families are banding together. Patients, nurses, and residents are facing their fears. I'm in awe of the miracles that take place in the faces of the kids I serve. In many ways those miracles are as big as the Chrysler Building or the angel in Rockefeller Plaza. Who knows what these kids will do. In many ways it's even more inspiring than the view I had several nights ago. We serve a God who is as everpresent in this hospital as He is in that city. Scripture tells us we cannot contain Him or measure His vastness. 2 Chronicles 6:18 "But will God really dwell on earth with men? The heavens, even the highest heavens, cannot contain you. How much less this temple I have built!"

Lord, I'm humbled by your strength and I'm greatful for your wonders. Thank you for this last year and thank you for the moments in life (like last weekend!) when we taste your goodness and get a sample of your love and generosity.